FOOTBALL!!!

I went 5 - 1 in my college picks last week but only 8 - 8 in the pros.  Not too bad overall but not nearly as good as my previous two undefeated weeks.  Which sadly went unrecorded so you'll have to trust me on it.  Without further ado, this weeks picks.

Detroit +1.5 over DALLAS - Six field goals?  Really, I'm supposed to be convinced that Tony Romo is a great leader because of six field goals?

New Orleans -7 over JACKSONVILLE - If you are in the Jacksonville area, tickets are still available!  Look at it as your chance to pick up a authentic Jacksonville jersey before they move to LA and it becomes an overpriced throwback.  Also, if you can find a seat close to the sidelines Jack Del Rio may ask you to suit up.

PHILLY - 9 over San Fran - I'm getting the feeling that The Niners are a lot tougher than I originally gave them credit for and Andy Reid's Eagles are a lot weaker than everyone else gave them credit for but there is simply no way in hell I'd bet on Alex Smith in a place like Philly with the Eagles needing a win.  I do like Harbaugh's staying in Youngstown gimmick.  If it pays off I'm sure we'll get a couple of weeks worth of annoying stories on ESPN about it. 

Washington -2 over ST. LOUIS - I was wondering why the Rams have looked so incredibly bad these first three weeks and then I realized Josh McDaniels is their Offensive Coordinator!  I'll be adding the Rams to my list of teams to bet against in almost every conceivable scenario.

CLEVELAND Pick'em over Tennessee - I've got to admit, I'm kind of a Colt McCoy fan.  He seems to have that certain thing that makes an otherwise ordinary quarterback a winner.  I've never felt that Hasselbeck has that thing. 

Buffalo -3 over CINCY - How does Marvin Lewis remain employed in the world of proffesional football?  As a head coach?  I could understand D-backs Coach Marvin Lewis or maybe Assitant to the Equipment Manager Marvin Lewis but Head Coach!?  Thank God the Bengals are in the same division as the Steelers.

KC +2 over Minny - Read an article on how McNabb refuses to tweak his form.  That's exactly what you want to hear as a Viking's fan how your washed up QB won't take instruction.  It worked out for Namath with the Rams and it worked out for Unitas with the Chargers.  No, wait, those didn't work out.  Not at all. 

CHICAGO -6.5 over Carolina - I would have had the cover on the Bears had that bullshit block in the back penalty not been called on Johnny Knox's amazing punt return.  I'm sticking with the Bears and betting on NFL Karma.

Pittsburgh +4 over HOUSTON - I know this is a great example of betting with your heart and not your head.  What can I say, I'm a huge Steelers fan.  I'm thinking they are on a one game on one game off type flow right now and as bad as they looked against the Colts they'll come out gangbusters against the Texans.  That's what I'm telling myself.

Atlanta -4.5 over SEATTLE - Even with the win last week the Seahawks still have Pete Carroll as their head coach and Tavarias Jackson as their QB.  Until that changes I'm taking Atlanta.

ARIZONA +1 over NY Giants - Looking for a post-big win let down here for the G-Men.  Tough to do the cross country travel in either direction and especially tough to stay up after a huge revenge game over a divisional opponent.

SAN DIEGO -7 over Miami - This pick can be explained in two words - Tony Sparano. 

Denver +13 over GREEN BAY - Too many points to not take them.  Plus with Orton struggling there's a chance that Timothy Tebow may see the field.  I'm excited about being able to see the hand of God come down from the heavens for the first time ever at a sporting event and point out the side he is rooting for. 

New England -5 over OAKLAND - I can't see the Raiders doing it two weeks in a row especially not after the Pats blew the Buffalo game.  That being said, as much as I hate the Pats I'd be happy to be wrong.

NY Jets +4 over BALTIMORE - Same can be said here.  Don't see the Jets getting clubbed two weeks in a row. 

TAMPA -10 over Indy - A chance to bet against Curtis Painter?  A guy that looks like the Dutch Boy Paints logo mated with Miss Piggy?  A guy that 73 year old Jeff George said he could do better than?  Yes, please.

College

BYU -8 over Utah State
Baylor -4 over K STATE
Clemson +7 over VATECH
Nebraska +10 over WISCONSIN
Washington +10 over UTAH

Another Million Dollar Idea!

It occurred to me last night, while watching one of those unintentionally comical Christianmingle.com commercials, that as far as I know there is no website dedicated to matching up the infirmed.  We've got JDate for the Single Chosen People out there.  eHarmony for those hopeless romantics that believe their soulmate is somewhere out there, has twelve cats and is a huge Harry Potter fan just like they are.  Match.com for those in need of a emotionally devoid quicky hook-up.  Countless Russian and/or Thai bride sites - I'm just assuming, I swear I've never looked.  Ashleymadison.com for those philandering types that are too lazy to hit a seedy bar while supposedly "working late" like their forefather (and foremothers) did in the past.  There are even prison dating sites so you know where your man or woman is at all times (the yard, chowline or in the celly are your likely options).  Where is the representation on the web for the Florence (or Franklin) Nightingale types that want more than anything to care for and fall in love with a sick person?  Or how about sick people looking for other sick people to swap meds, hospital tales and eventually bodily fluids with? 

Honestly I haven't looked to see if these sites exist or not.  I'm pretty well convinced that every time you do an odd web search your name gets dropped into a file somewhere inside The Pentagon or Langley or Area 51 or any one of those other places we are supposed to be afraid of.  As a remarkably unsuccessful screenwriter I've already googled a lot of weird stuff - Welsh slang, thermonuclear devices, Pattie LaBelle and abandoned NY subway tunnels to name a few.  I'm certain there is already a dossier pegging me as a Welsh separatist with plans to blow up Manhattan while singing On My Own at the top of my lungs.  I don't need to add the horribly sad title of "internet dater" to that resume.  Being called a potential terrorist I can live with.  Accused of being bad with The Ladies I cannot.

So I am once again calling on my hoards of readers (if I got you all into a small banquet hall it'd probably look like a horde) to go forth and create a dating web site for the un-datables.  Okay, that's a little cruel, most of the un-datables already joined eHarmony.  Create a website where people with medically common interests (like white blood cell counts, breakthroughs in hormone therapy and the latest in wig design) can meet, fall in love and get treatments together.  It doesn't just have to be for cancer patients.  Restless leg syndrome sufferers could bond online.  Have those Jimmy-legged bastards deal with laying in a bed together and let the rest of us get some uninterrupted sleep.  Gout sufferers could stuff their faces together.  Behind closed doors, preferably, no one should ever have to watch them eat.  Manics could laugh and cry and laugh and cry and laugh and cry and laugh and cry and laugh and cry and laugh and cry - well, you get the point - together.  This site needs to happen.  Just think about how many totally fucked up people there are in this world.  Some of them are reading this blog right now.  You know who you are.  You'd use this dating site.  It's a gold mine!

That's the assignment for today.  Let's fix these people up together.  I'd be the first to join but I've already found my equally ill partner.  No, she doesn't have cancer like me but she's easily as crazy as I am.  Love you, Darlin.

 

Chemo: The Reckoning

I got some pretty good news yesterday.  Yesterday was my bi-weekly trip to Cancer Care of Maine.  I met with my brilliant oncologist, Hans Gruber (last seen in 1988 at the Nakatomi Towers - Oh, I hope that's not a hostage) and once he was done negotiating the release of five members of the Asian Dawn movement he informed me that my Hodgkin's Lymphoma is greatly reduced.  My lymph glands are responding very strongly to the Chemo and if all goes well I'll only need two more months of infusions followed by radiation.  That would put me in the clear by New Years 2012!  I get the feeling Hans is way way smarter than me (and I'm wicked smaht, as we Mainers like to say).  Whenever I make some analogy as to how my body is doing or what the remaining months of treatment looks like he pauses, thinks to himself "if that's how your tiny brain needs to think of it" then he responds with a sympathetic "yeah, something like that." 

Honestly, the treatment I've received from every single person at Cancer Care of Maine and at EMMC when both myself and my Father were there is beyond remarkable.  Han's secretary, I'll call her Scheduler Extraordinaire! is one of the kindest women I've ever met plus she's a whiz with my weekly tests/treatments.  She can recite my schedule without ever having to check the computer and I'm certain I'm not their only patient.  The most charming one for sure but not the only one.  The Nurses in the blood draw and infusion center are a giant group of remarkable women.  They are knowledgeable, kind, friendly and all around fantastic.     

Now the bad news.  The Chemo is winning.  I'm not talking about in the fight against my Lymphoma.  That's a good thing.  The Chemo is winning in my battle to be side-effect free.  I had my infusion yesterday and started to feel lousy about twenty minutes after leaving the place.  It's hard to pin-point exactly what the feeling is but I'd say it's best described as if you woke up feeling this way you'd strongly consider calling in sick in an effort to nip whatever it may be in the bud.  You just feel off.  Kinda hinky.  Like the way people that only shop at the all-natural food store look.  As if they are about to come down with something or are just getting over something.  I don't know if that's how they feel but that's how they look like they feel.  Have some artificial preservatives already.  It may put some color in your chalky white features. 

I know there are some fools out there that don't believe in using sick days.  Like one day you'll be honored with a chance to give a grainy black and white speech at Yankee Stadium thanks to your dogged dedication to your job.  I am not one of those fools.  When I worked in corporate America (hell, when I worked delivering pizzas even) I never saw a sick day I didn't like.  Sniffles, hang nail, unusually warm out for late October, all reasons I took sick days at one time or another.  Every year HR gave a little speech about how sick days are not vacation days and you shouldn't use them as such.  Every year I used them any damn way I pleased.  And to think, they were actually sorry to see me go.  I guess they never put those world-class-hangover "I've got a real sore throat" phone calls together with schedules of sporting events from the previous night.

It looks like I'd be applying for long term sick leave at this point.  Not that I have a job.  Unless you consider entertaining all of you with witty and insightful postings a job.  I have made a whopping 66 bucks since this whole blog thing started.  If this were the turn of the last century and I was a rag-picker that'd be a pretty good days wage.  The salary may not be the best but being self-employed does have it's perks, I've got a great boss.  He's totally buying into this "I have cancer" scam that I'm running on him. 

 

4 out of 5 Dentists

I've been meaning to post this for a while now but all kind of little things have gotten me sidetracked (stay in hospital, Dad dying, chemo therapy - you know, the minutia of life).  I had my first visit to the dentist in about seven... well, maybe nine... okay, more like twelve years a couple weeks back.  I'd broken a tooth and I called upon a friend of mine from high school that is now a dentist for an emergency fix.  I was planning on tagging him with the nickname Giant Dentist (he's 6'4" easy) but his hands were so delicate and his work so remarkable I'm going to call him Gentle Genius Dentist.  I was going to call his wife Miss Bossy Pants and that part hasn't changed.

It all started a couple weeks before when I met up with Gentle Genius Dentist (GGD from here on out) and Miss Bossy Pants (no abbreviation as I'm enjoying her nickname so much) for a dinner in the foodie mecca of Bangor, ME.  In my experience dinning options in Bangor are truly unlimited - provided you only want to eat at low to mid-range national chain restaurant.  Luckily, GGD and Miss Bossy Pants (makes me smile every time I type it and I'm sure GGD is laughing quietly, hoping she doesn't notice) have excellent taste and they suggested a fantastic place called Massimo's.  Massimo's is, thankfully, not a chain and is probably the best place in Bangor - nice little plug for the place and I don't know a single person there.  If anyone reading this does know the owners tell them they owe me some advertising fees.

It's important to point out that GGD and Miss Bossy Pants (still funny) have been together since high school, got married shortly thereafter and have something like eleven children.  It may only be four girls, I'm not 100% sure on this but really more than one and I'm impressed.  We hadn't seen each other in at least nine years, possibly not since we all graduated nearly twenty years ago.  Amazingly, they looked exactly as I remembered them.  We caught up on everything that had gone on in our lives over the last couple of decades and all that jazz but mostly I was fascinated about the kids.  We talked a lot about the kids and as loyal followers of this blog they knew all about my trip to the sperm bank when the whole cancer odyssey began. 

I don't think I've touched on it yet in any posts but my Lovely Girlfriend and I were trying to conceive at the same time as the sperm bank visits (not the exact same time that would have been against the Sperm Bank Rules and would have made the whole "getting a clean specimen" extremely difficult).  Due to a miscalculation on monthlys it turned out we were barking up the wrong tree but damn if it wasn't the best time I've ever had being wrong.  Also, can you imagine the pressure that kid would have been under growing up had we succeeded?  I know I wouldn't want to grow up as The Miracle Cancer Baby, would you?

GGD and Miss Bossy Pants encouraged me to come by for a dental check up but I assured them that my teeth did not require dentistry.  I'd seen a dentist back in the mid-90's and was given a clean bill of health.  I saw no reason to seek a second opinion.  He tried to convince me that the American Dental Association has been recommending twice a year check-ups for at least the last thirty years but I wasn't buying into that Ponzi Scheme.  Then he lunged at me and tried to pry open my mouth while Miss Bossy Pants egged him on!  Alright, that last part didn't happen, we had a lovely dinner and they picked up the check.  Thanks again guys, next time dinner's on me but let's try a different place.  I've heard good things about this new joint, Applebee's.

So when my tooth broke I figured this would be GGD's chance to finally pay me back for all those terrible things I used to say about him in high school.  I imagined myself tied to one of those old dental chairs while he took a hammer and chisel to my nearly perfect face.  Turns out he must have never known about all those terrible things I said because I never felt a thing!  Not the needle, not the burn from the novocaine, not the drill, and not the pick-thingy (technical term), not a damn thing!  He saw me right away on essentially no notice, I was in the chair for only a hot minute and he saved the tooth!  It was broken in half down to the gumline and he saved the freakin tooth!  You see now why I call him Gentle Genius Dentist?  I'll save why I call his wife Miss Bossy Pants for another post.

What's in your deck?

I've always been a big idea kind of guy.  As in I get these big ideas and then never follow up on them.  I'm sure you know the type.  Hell, if you know me then you know the type.  Well, I've got another one of those big ideas and now I've got access to an audience of brilliant people (you're smart enough to be following my blog so I'd say you all qualify as brilliant) to bounce things off of.  Maybe someone out there can actually put in the leg work (God knows I won't) to see this idea through.  Okay, ready, here it comes.

A deck of cards with - wait for it - various terminal and/or non-terminal afflictions in place of the standard four color suits and numbers!  Your aces would be something like - Cholera, Lung Cancer, maybe Full Blown Aids and... I don't know, how bout the Ebola Virus.  From there the afflictions would slowly decrease in severity.  I'm just spit-balling on these since I really don't know how bad various illnesses are but some of your face cards should probably be Colon Cancer, Diphtheria, Bubonic Plague, and is Small Pox still out there?  I'll let somebody else work out the details on what's more deadly than the other but by now you should get the point - this is a sad fuckin deck of cards. 

Now for the purpose.  Obviously, you could play cards with these in some manner or another - you sick puppy - but the real reason behind this stroke of genius is so You can play Your Specific Card whenever and wherever you like.  You've got Ebola?  Carry that card around with you, anybody gives you grief about anything throw down your Ebola card!  That'll set em straight and probably send em running for safety.  Can't you envision the possibilities?  That run of the mill handicapped placard hanging from your cars rear view mirror no longer gets scrutinized when it's followed up with a Diphtheria card on your dashboard.  And don't give me any BS about not checking to see how messed up someone is or isn't when you see them parking in a handicapped spot.  We all do it.  Get off your high horse.

I came up with this Million Dollar Idea when I realized I needed a Cancer Card.  I'm far too healthy looking (and devilishly handsome) for anyone without knowledge of my illness to assume that I've got cancer.  I need to be able to throw down the Cancer Card whenever I want in order to get things my way.  "I'm sorry, sir but we don't offer one hour dry-cleaning."  "But, you see, I've got cancer."  BOOM!  There's the card!  BOOM!  There's the one hour dry-cleaning!  You see how this works?  Cancer or Diabetes or Heart Disease could finally wind up paying off in a big way!

I put it to you, my loyal audience, to make this happen.  One of you must have the connections to the right people in the impossible to crack Playing Card Industry to see this through.  Honestly, I've got no idea if there is such a thing as the Playing Card Industry.  This could be as simple as a phone call to Bicycle Playing Cards.  Hopefully one of you will take up this valiant quest and, of course, share fifty percent of the profits with me.  I'd do it myself, but you see, I've got cancer.  BOOM!

Ashes to Ashes

We wanted to scatter my Dad's ashes yesterday.  I say we wanted to because we didn't wind up doing it. We talked about it, drove to one of the locations that we had planned on using even, but we didn't do it.  It turns out a lot more goes into scattering ashes then you would think.  I know what you're thinking, "was this some kind of a legal permit thing?"  No.  We've decided to ignore any and all state or federal EPA requirements for spreading one's ashes.  Since he spent his entire life ignoring or flaunting the rules we believe Dad would have wanted us to do the same. 

This was more a matter of logistics.  As it turns out the ashes aren't just rattling around in the urn.  They are wrapped in a plastic bag and tied off with a zip-tie so thick I'd bet it was police issue.  A cheap pair or kitchen scissors had no effect on them.  A steak knife seemed more likely to tear through the plastic bag.  Can ashes go bad if left unsealed, we didn't know.  Without ever voicing the concern I think all of us ran a scenario through our heads where our Dad's/Husband's cremated remains start stinking up the house and we are forced to dispose of him in a manner unsuited for such a tremendous human being.  If I was just too subtle then - I'm talking about Tuesday's trash pick-up. 

On top of that there was the issue of scooping.  My Sister was adamantly opposed to using a measuring spoon that she cooks with.  I get it.  The idea of having to run it through the dishwasher to remove any traces of our Beloved Father from it's surface before using it to bake a cake strikes me as odd at the very least.  We found a tiny plastic disposable spoon, probably left over from an order of Chinese take-out.  My Dad was a big fan of Chinese food so I guess this seemed at least a little bit appropriate. 

There was the matter of transportation.  A sealable sandwich baggie was our first choice but upon review it struck us as very low rent.  The urn he's in is a beautiful white marble - possibly the nicest place he's ever stayed.  My Mom suggested a tin of some sort but the only ones she could find were Christmas themed tins.  I'm not one-hundred percent sure what my Dad's favorite holiday was but I didn't think a Frosty the Snowman lid fit the occasion even if it had been Christmas.

So the mission was scrapped until we are better prepared.  We'll need a good pair of wire cutters - my Father had no tools in the house as it appears he did not believe in engaging in Manual Labor after passing his Bar Exam forty years ago.  Seriously, no one in my family can remember him even mowing our lawn.  A set of zip ties to re-tie the bag.  And something more appropriate to transport the ashes.

This seems about right



Are you Ready for Some Football!!??

It's been a hectic couple of weeks here at the Cancer Family Home and I've been negligent in getting my weekly football picks out so you'll all just have to trust me when I tell you that I am currently 32-0 in the NFL and 10-0 in college.  Seriously, trust me on this.  A perfect slate.  If you'd spent five days in the hospital with a 103+ temperature while your Dad passed away down the hall then had to bury him I'd trust you.

Good, so now that we've established that I'm sporting a perfect record two weeks into the season I'll be putting up my picks at the end of this post. 

A couple of days ago a friend of mine said to me that she didn't really know what to say in times like this.  I've been thinking about that quite a bit lately.  What to say?  How to respond when someone passes along their condolences?  I can always tell when someone is about to pass along some kind of sympathies because the expression on their face changes.  Someone that may not know me otherwise hears my name, quickly puts two and two together and their eyes change from an inviting glow (you ladies know the look I'm talking about) to a sorrowful, understanding haze.  I'm not complaining.  I'm certain I've done it to others upon hearing of their loved ones passing, it's an inevitable human reaction.  But you are still left with the question of exactly what to say and/or if you are the one receiving the sympathies how to respond. 

What I have been saying is that my Dad's viewing and funeral was a celebration of his life.  Between the two days I think we had almost 700 people walk through the church doors to pass along their own stories of how he touched their lives.  People that my Mom, Sister and I had never seen before told us they'd been friends with my Dad for over thirty years.  He'd helped them out of countless jams.  He'd always had the funniest stories to tell.  He was their favorite -- insert various relationships here.  The wise ass side of me wonders if my Dad is a prime candidate for having one of those secret second lives that you hear about on 20/20 or 60 Minutes but I know he was far to big of a jabbermouth to keep anything secret.  Anything that happened to him and could be considered even remotely interesting was always spun into a story that was repeated hundreds of times.  No, my Dad had a secret second life like Obama's got an actual Hawaiian birth certificate.  Oh, wait a second.

We've got a couple hundred cards that are a testament to not knowing exactly what to say.  Most are very touching, all grasping for the right words to encapsulate a life, a feeling, a loss.  It occurred to me that an untapped market in the condolence card world is for those that no one is really sad to see pass on.  Cards like - "Will he really be missed?" or "We hadn't spoken in years, glad to see he's gone."  They could be adorned with Andy Capp like cartoon characters dancing on graves.  I feel like there's a real goldmine here.  There's a lot of assholes in the world and they're dying each day.  Let's celebrate it.  Which brings us back to the celebration of my Dad's life.  See how I did that?  In the world of comedy that's known as a call-back.  Ta-dah!   

So here's my weekly picks.  Current record 42-0!

CINCY -2.5 over San Fran - In the battle of the Who Cares Bowl the real loser is the gambler.  Oh, and all the people that live and work in Cincinnati.

BUFFALO +9 over New England - You heard it hear first!  The Bills are not that bad and the Pats are not as good as they look.

NEW ORLEANS -4 over Houston - Still blah on Houston, not as excited about NO as I was to begin the season but still like them at home.

New York +8 over PHILLY - Mike Vick coming off a horribly erratic performance with a concussion and a Northwestern Grad waiting in the wings in case he goes down again.  Hey, I'm gonna take those points.

CLEVELAND -2.5 over Miami - I'm going to set the line of Tony Sparano's firing at week 10.

Denver -6 over TENNESSEE - Don't know what to make of either team yet but I do know that thanks to Tim Tebow, God will be rooting for Denver.  So will I.  Don't mess with God.

Detroit -3.5 over MINNY - Please, Donovan, retire now while the images of you as the do-it-all, borderline Hall of Fame, QB for the Eagles is still somewhat fresh in our minds.  I'm begging you.

Jacksonville +4 over CAROLINA - I just can't bet on Cam Newton and Ron Rivera.  I'm sorry.  I can't do it yet and I doubt I will ever be able to.  It's Ron Freaking Rivera!  And Cam Newton is still not going to be a great NFL QB.  I don't care what the first two weeks looked like.

***Somehow missed SD vs Kansas City on the original post, sticking it in now just before midnight on 9/23/11***

Kansas City +14.5 over SAN DIEGO - Bottom line, that's just too many damn points for a Norv Turner run team.  I think the Chiefs are terrible and I think Todd Haley will go the way of Josh McDaniels at some point this year but there's no way that a Norv Turner coached team will play up to their abilities or expectations.

OAKLAND +4 over NY Jets - Don't feel totally secure on this but I'm betting on Oakland's home opener and against the Jets going on the road for the first time this year.

Baltimore -4 over ST. LOUIS - If you're Sam Bradford don't you just come up with some sort of mystery illness or injury so you don't have to face the Ravens coming off of last weeks embarrassing performance?  I know I do.

Atlanta +1.5 over TAMPA BAY - I had to look at this line several times to make sure I was reading it correctly.  My guess is the Monday Night Hangover rule is what's keeping the Bucs favored.  Either way, I'm taking the Falcons.

Arizona -3.5 over SEATTLE - Thank you, Pete Carroll for coming back to the NFL and giving bettors around the world a sure thing each week. 

CHICAGO +4 over Green Bay - As I've said before I have no idea what to make of Chicago.  Also, I'm still bitter about last years Super Bowl so fuck Green Bay.  Yeah, Fuck Green Bay!

Pittsburgh -10 over INDY - Hate giving up that many points but Oh My Good God is Indy bad without Manning!  With an over/under of just 39.5 I'd think this would be a prime teaser candidate if I actually had any money to bet.

Washington +5.5 over DALLAS - Can't believe the Skins are half-way good, don't think the Cowboys are any good.  Throw a possible Jon Kitna appearance into the mix and I love this game!

College picks

Arkansas +11.5 over BAMA
WASHINGTON -1 over Cal
S. CAROLINA -15.5 over Vandy
Oak State +4.5 over TEXAS A&M
LSU -6.5 over WVU
ASU -2.5 over USC