It's been a hectic couple of weeks here at the Cancer Family Home and I've been negligent in getting my weekly football picks out so you'll all just have to trust me when I tell you that I am currently 32-0 in the NFL and 10-0 in college. Seriously, trust me on this. A perfect slate. If you'd spent five days in the hospital with a 103+ temperature while your Dad passed away down the hall then had to bury him I'd trust you.
Good, so now that we've established that I'm sporting a perfect record two weeks into the season I'll be putting up my picks at the end of this post.
A couple of days ago a friend of mine said to me that she didn't really know what to say in times like this. I've been thinking about that quite a bit lately. What to say? How to respond when someone passes along their condolences? I can always tell when someone is about to pass along some kind of sympathies because the expression on their face changes. Someone that may not know me otherwise hears my name, quickly puts two and two together and their eyes change from an inviting glow (you ladies know the look I'm talking about) to a sorrowful, understanding haze. I'm not complaining. I'm certain I've done it to others upon hearing of their loved ones passing, it's an inevitable human reaction. But you are still left with the question of exactly what to say and/or if you are the one receiving the sympathies how to respond.
What I have been saying is that my Dad's viewing and funeral was a celebration of his life. Between the two days I think we had almost 700 people walk through the church doors to pass along their own stories of how he touched their lives. People that my Mom, Sister and I had never seen before told us they'd been friends with my Dad for over thirty years. He'd helped them out of countless jams. He'd always had the funniest stories to tell. He was their favorite -- insert various relationships here. The wise ass side of me wonders if my Dad is a prime candidate for having one of those secret second lives that you hear about on 20/20 or 60 Minutes but I know he was far to big of a jabbermouth to keep anything secret. Anything that happened to him and could be considered even remotely interesting was always spun into a story that was repeated hundreds of times. No, my Dad had a secret second life like Obama's got an actual Hawaiian birth certificate. Oh, wait a second.
We've got a couple hundred cards that are a testament to not knowing exactly what to say. Most are very touching, all grasping for the right words to encapsulate a life, a feeling, a loss. It occurred to me that an untapped market in the condolence card world is for those that no one is really sad to see pass on. Cards like - "Will he really be missed?" or "We hadn't spoken in years, glad to see he's gone." They could be adorned with Andy Capp like cartoon characters dancing on graves. I feel like there's a real goldmine here. There's a lot of assholes in the world and they're dying each day. Let's celebrate it. Which brings us back to the celebration of my Dad's life. See how I did that? In the world of comedy that's known as a call-back. Ta-dah!
So here's my weekly picks. Current record 42-0!
CINCY -2.5 over San Fran - In the battle of the Who Cares Bowl the real loser is the gambler. Oh, and all the people that live and work in Cincinnati.
BUFFALO +9 over New England - You heard it hear first! The Bills are not that bad and the Pats are not as good as they look.
NEW ORLEANS -4 over Houston - Still blah on Houston, not as excited about NO as I was to begin the season but still like them at home.
New York +8 over PHILLY - Mike Vick coming off a horribly erratic performance with a concussion and a Northwestern Grad waiting in the wings in case he goes down again. Hey, I'm gonna take those points.
CLEVELAND -2.5 over Miami - I'm going to set the line of Tony Sparano's firing at week 10.
Denver -6 over TENNESSEE - Don't know what to make of either team yet but I do know that thanks to Tim Tebow, God will be rooting for Denver. So will I. Don't mess with God.
Detroit -3.5 over MINNY - Please, Donovan, retire now while the images of you as the do-it-all, borderline Hall of Fame, QB for the Eagles is still somewhat fresh in our minds. I'm begging you.
Jacksonville +4 over CAROLINA - I just can't bet on Cam Newton and Ron Rivera. I'm sorry. I can't do it yet and I doubt I will ever be able to. It's Ron Freaking Rivera! And Cam Newton is still not going to be a great NFL QB. I don't care what the first two weeks looked like.
***Somehow missed SD vs Kansas City on the original post, sticking it in now just before midnight on 9/23/11***
Kansas City +14.5 over SAN DIEGO - Bottom line, that's just too many damn points for a Norv Turner run team. I think the Chiefs are terrible and I think Todd Haley will go the way of Josh McDaniels at some point this year but there's no way that a Norv Turner coached team will play up to their abilities or expectations.
OAKLAND +4 over NY Jets - Don't feel totally secure on this but I'm betting on Oakland's home opener and against the Jets going on the road for the first time this year.
Baltimore -4 over ST. LOUIS - If you're Sam Bradford don't you just come up with some sort of mystery illness or injury so you don't have to face the Ravens coming off of last weeks embarrassing performance? I know I do.
Atlanta +1.5 over TAMPA BAY - I had to look at this line several times to make sure I was reading it correctly. My guess is the Monday Night Hangover rule is what's keeping the Bucs favored. Either way, I'm taking the Falcons.
Arizona -3.5 over SEATTLE - Thank you, Pete Carroll for coming back to the NFL and giving bettors around the world a sure thing each week.
CHICAGO +4 over Green Bay - As I've said before I have no idea what to make of Chicago. Also, I'm still bitter about last years Super Bowl so fuck Green Bay. Yeah, Fuck Green Bay!
Pittsburgh -10 over INDY - Hate giving up that many points but Oh My Good God is Indy bad without Manning! With an over/under of just 39.5 I'd think this would be a prime teaser candidate if I actually had any money to bet.
Washington +5.5 over DALLAS - Can't believe the Skins are half-way good, don't think the Cowboys are any good. Throw a possible Jon Kitna appearance into the mix and I love this game!
College picks
Arkansas +11.5 over BAMA
WASHINGTON -1 over Cal
S. CAROLINA -15.5 over Vandy
Oak State +4.5 over TEXAS A&M
LSU -6.5 over WVU
ASU -2.5 over USC
Good, so now that we've established that I'm sporting a perfect record two weeks into the season I'll be putting up my picks at the end of this post.
A couple of days ago a friend of mine said to me that she didn't really know what to say in times like this. I've been thinking about that quite a bit lately. What to say? How to respond when someone passes along their condolences? I can always tell when someone is about to pass along some kind of sympathies because the expression on their face changes. Someone that may not know me otherwise hears my name, quickly puts two and two together and their eyes change from an inviting glow (you ladies know the look I'm talking about) to a sorrowful, understanding haze. I'm not complaining. I'm certain I've done it to others upon hearing of their loved ones passing, it's an inevitable human reaction. But you are still left with the question of exactly what to say and/or if you are the one receiving the sympathies how to respond.
What I have been saying is that my Dad's viewing and funeral was a celebration of his life. Between the two days I think we had almost 700 people walk through the church doors to pass along their own stories of how he touched their lives. People that my Mom, Sister and I had never seen before told us they'd been friends with my Dad for over thirty years. He'd helped them out of countless jams. He'd always had the funniest stories to tell. He was their favorite -- insert various relationships here. The wise ass side of me wonders if my Dad is a prime candidate for having one of those secret second lives that you hear about on 20/20 or 60 Minutes but I know he was far to big of a jabbermouth to keep anything secret. Anything that happened to him and could be considered even remotely interesting was always spun into a story that was repeated hundreds of times. No, my Dad had a secret second life like Obama's got an actual Hawaiian birth certificate. Oh, wait a second.
We've got a couple hundred cards that are a testament to not knowing exactly what to say. Most are very touching, all grasping for the right words to encapsulate a life, a feeling, a loss. It occurred to me that an untapped market in the condolence card world is for those that no one is really sad to see pass on. Cards like - "Will he really be missed?" or "We hadn't spoken in years, glad to see he's gone." They could be adorned with Andy Capp like cartoon characters dancing on graves. I feel like there's a real goldmine here. There's a lot of assholes in the world and they're dying each day. Let's celebrate it. Which brings us back to the celebration of my Dad's life. See how I did that? In the world of comedy that's known as a call-back. Ta-dah!
So here's my weekly picks. Current record 42-0!
CINCY -2.5 over San Fran - In the battle of the Who Cares Bowl the real loser is the gambler. Oh, and all the people that live and work in Cincinnati.
BUFFALO +9 over New England - You heard it hear first! The Bills are not that bad and the Pats are not as good as they look.
NEW ORLEANS -4 over Houston - Still blah on Houston, not as excited about NO as I was to begin the season but still like them at home.
New York +8 over PHILLY - Mike Vick coming off a horribly erratic performance with a concussion and a Northwestern Grad waiting in the wings in case he goes down again. Hey, I'm gonna take those points.
CLEVELAND -2.5 over Miami - I'm going to set the line of Tony Sparano's firing at week 10.
Denver -6 over TENNESSEE - Don't know what to make of either team yet but I do know that thanks to Tim Tebow, God will be rooting for Denver. So will I. Don't mess with God.
Detroit -3.5 over MINNY - Please, Donovan, retire now while the images of you as the do-it-all, borderline Hall of Fame, QB for the Eagles is still somewhat fresh in our minds. I'm begging you.
Jacksonville +4 over CAROLINA - I just can't bet on Cam Newton and Ron Rivera. I'm sorry. I can't do it yet and I doubt I will ever be able to. It's Ron Freaking Rivera! And Cam Newton is still not going to be a great NFL QB. I don't care what the first two weeks looked like.
***Somehow missed SD vs Kansas City on the original post, sticking it in now just before midnight on 9/23/11***
Kansas City +14.5 over SAN DIEGO - Bottom line, that's just too many damn points for a Norv Turner run team. I think the Chiefs are terrible and I think Todd Haley will go the way of Josh McDaniels at some point this year but there's no way that a Norv Turner coached team will play up to their abilities or expectations.
OAKLAND +4 over NY Jets - Don't feel totally secure on this but I'm betting on Oakland's home opener and against the Jets going on the road for the first time this year.
Baltimore -4 over ST. LOUIS - If you're Sam Bradford don't you just come up with some sort of mystery illness or injury so you don't have to face the Ravens coming off of last weeks embarrassing performance? I know I do.
Atlanta +1.5 over TAMPA BAY - I had to look at this line several times to make sure I was reading it correctly. My guess is the Monday Night Hangover rule is what's keeping the Bucs favored. Either way, I'm taking the Falcons.
Arizona -3.5 over SEATTLE - Thank you, Pete Carroll for coming back to the NFL and giving bettors around the world a sure thing each week.
CHICAGO +4 over Green Bay - As I've said before I have no idea what to make of Chicago. Also, I'm still bitter about last years Super Bowl so fuck Green Bay. Yeah, Fuck Green Bay!
Pittsburgh -10 over INDY - Hate giving up that many points but Oh My Good God is Indy bad without Manning! With an over/under of just 39.5 I'd think this would be a prime teaser candidate if I actually had any money to bet.
Washington +5.5 over DALLAS - Can't believe the Skins are half-way good, don't think the Cowboys are any good. Throw a possible Jon Kitna appearance into the mix and I love this game!
College picks
Arkansas +11.5 over BAMA
WASHINGTON -1 over Cal
S. CAROLINA -15.5 over Vandy
Oak State +4.5 over TEXAS A&M
LSU -6.5 over WVU
ASU -2.5 over USC
You actually went 5-1 in college, Jules...not too shabby!
ReplyDeleteIf the Razorbacks had any heart I'd have had a clean sweep.
ReplyDelete