The Host With The Most

So last week we had a party to celebrate my W over Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Since I find myself without much to write about today I thought I'd fill you in on the details.  We started the party relatively early as I almost never make it past eleven o'clock anymore.  It turns out that was about the perfect time to call it as most of those in attendance have reached the "responsible drinker" phase of their lives.  I had been warned about this phase of life dozens of times by several people but I never thought it would strike down so many at such a young age.  I'll have to keep this affliction in mind the next time we have a gathering as we are now left with a small corner bar's worth of hard liquor.

My first word of advice to anyone having a party is don't bother cooking if you have invited a burgeoning celebrity chef.  Without exaggeration, no one, not a single person, not a soul, will eat the food you made.  Until, that is, they realize the Cancer Patient made a dish (admittedly not my best effort, maybe a little too dry) so they then feel compelled to eat some.  I'm never opposed to cheap sympathy or easy pity.  As a matter of fact, I try to cultivate it whenever I can.  What other way to get people to do things for you that you are perfectly capable yet too lazy to do?  But not when it comes to my cooking!  I know I'm no five star chef like my long time friend (we'll call him Gourmet Biker) but as far as party food goes it wasn't that bad?  Was it?  Okay, it may have been. 

Gourmet Biker whipped up quiet possibly the best chicken tacos I've ever eaten.  I know, right?  Tacos, how simple can you get?  And that's why it was so freakin unbelievable.  Off the charts good.  The Lovely Girlfriend and I have feasted on a number of occasions at both Gourmet Biker and his wife's place (we'll call her Dead Red) and at his restaurant down in Redondo.  We will be at his restaurant tonight for a wine dinner.  From what I understand a winery rep will be hosting and Gourmet Biker will be serving a pairing menu.  I'm not certain what to expect other than spectacular food and amazing wine.  I will be sure to fill you all in on the details of it at some point soon.

But this posting is about my Cancer Party not how incredible Gourmet Biker may be with a skillet.  So beside my piles of leftover pulled pork the party was the perfect chance for me to suck the marrow clean out of the bone of sympathy.  I had toyed with the idea of getting some kind of bald cap and cane then descending the staircase painfully slow as everyone wondered if I'd make it down without passing out only to break into a jig at the last step.  Then it occurred to me that would be remarkably similar to the super annoying Six Flags commercial with the creepy old man.  So instead I dressed in my standard flannel shirt and looked like someone that isn't sick at all.  Bad play on my part.  I hardly got an ounce of sympathy.  Instead most everyone told me I looked great (they aren't lying, I do) and if they didn't know I had been sick they wouldn't believe it.  What kind of bullshit is that?!  I deserve far more pity!  I should be doted on.  We will be having another party in a couple of months after I go through radiation and get my first clean bill of health so you people should consider yourself warned.  You come to my cancer party you better damn well be prepared to blather on and on about how incredible I am to beat a cancer that almost everyone beats! 

Going to the Mattresses

If it is possible I am both a light and sound sleeper.  I am normally asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow and stay out until daylight comes through the curtains.  The minor exceptions to this rule is when the sheets cover my face or someone (The Lovely Girlfriend) touches me.  I know how crazy this sounds, I share a bed with someone but they are not allowed to come in contact with me.  To clarify, I have no problem cuddling, snuggling, spooning or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days.  I fully understand just how adorable I am and would never deny My Lovely Girlfriend the chance to saddle up next to all of this (and all of this is growing by the day).  Once it's bedtime, those activities must end and we have to adjourn to our separate sides until morning.  If at anytime during the night she reaches over and touches me I wake up immediately.  For the life of me I don't know why this is.  Also, I do not wake up if at some point while sleeping I stretch out and rest a hand on her.  Which makes me a hypocrite even while sleeping.

We are lucky enough to sleep each night in a California King sized bed.  That bed is so damn big a third person could join us (I've asked, she's not having it) so the no-touch sleeping rule rarely comes up.  Just last night, while fighting a cold (with a potent cocktail of two types of nighttime cold meds), I managed to sleep soundly through My Lovely Girlfriends exit to the couch due to my snoring.  So she claims, I swear to you I've never heard myself snore.  She seemed far too angry with me this morning when I found her in the living room covered in a thin blanket for me to ask if she had tried to get me to stop.  Granted, I was so out of it thanks to the meds that I came dangerously close to wetting the bed around two or three in the morning but I still believe that my inability to sleep through even a brush of the hand across my back would have halted the snoring, albeit briefly.

I don't think I am alone on this.  I've spoken with a number of friends, both male and female, that agree with me, sleeping time is not cuddle time.  Additionally, I am not bringing this up as a criticism of my Lovely Girlfriend.  She likes her space while she sleeps too.  She's not as militant as I am about it but she's just as likely to push me off her should I roll over too close.  No, the reason I am bringing this up is for all the men and women that are trapped under the yoke (or arm or leg) of their significant others incessant cuddling.  It is time that the No-Touchers stood up, linked arms (until they need their rest and just want to be left alone) and took to the streets to make this issue heard.  We're Here!  We're Sleeping!  Get Off of Us!

A cure for the common cold

I know it sounds silly to bitch about nearly anything after beating cancer but damn do I feel like hell today.  Apparently I caught a cold last night.  With the exception of a mild case of Hodgkin's Lymphoma I am rarely sick.  Once a year tops.  I admit, I am a total and complete baby when I am sick.  I will expect to be completely catered to once my Lovely Girlfriend arrives home from work.  I will want her to bring me my food, clean up after me, bring me tea, basically all the same things I expect from her on a daily basis with the exception of tea.  I'm normally a coffee drinker and she better bring it to me at the right temperature or else!  Kidding, kidding.  I always have her test it first, I wouldn't want to risk burning my tongue. 

My throat is sore, my nose won't stop running and my eyes burn.  Even though it's in the 80`s outside in late November and I am only in California for another week I don't have the energy to spend the day outside.  I am in full Occupy Living Room mode.  I have watched a couple hours of car auctions, most of the Dan Patrick Show and I'm now onto back episodes of Boardwalk Empire and Treme.  I am as well caught up on the comings and goings of my friends on Facebook as I could ever hope to be.  I even cast an online vote against Miley Cyrus and her supposed frequency of marijuana use on TMZ.com so you know for certain that I am at this point absolutely bored to tears.

Somebody come keep me company and bring some Chicken Soup!

NFL PICKS!

The Thanksgiving Week West Coast Cancer RoadTrip is finally, sadly, over.  The Lovely Girlfriend and I arrived back in Culver City at 8pm last night after a nearly two full days of leisurely touring California's Central Coast.  It was an amazing and much deserved trip for the both of us and I will be filling in all the details in the week to come but today I am bringing you my FOOTBALL PICKS!! 

ATLANTA -9 over Minny - No Adrian Peterson = No Chance For a W.  No chance for a cover even.  The Falcons will force Ponder to beat them and as much as I like him as a big time QB in the future I don't think he's capable of that right now.  Turner pounds the ball.  Ryan controls the game.  Falcons cover easy.

CINCY -7 over Cleveland - I'm hoping that the two loses to the Ravens and Steelers isn't enough to convince Cincy and their fans that they aren't really in the mix.  I'm hoping that it takes a crushing defeat at the hands of the Steelers next week to convince them of that.  Play hard and cheer hard Cincy!  Your hopes and dreams haven't been crushed yet.

TENNESSEE -3 over Tampa - I'm basing this pick entirely on my belief that despite the Packers incredible record the AFC is a stronger conference than the NFC.  So if two ordinary teams from separate conferences face each other I'll take the AFC, especially at home.  I know Hasselbeck has the whole arm thing going and the spread would probably be larger if that wasn't a question mark but I'm sticking with my theory.  Again, this is just a theory.

Carolina -2.5 over INDY - How is Carolina only giving up 2.5?  Are the experts expecting Carolina to not put a defense on the field for several plays during this game?  I don't get it.  We have seen repeatedly this season that the bye week does not mean what it once did. 

Arizona +3 over ST. LOUIS - Two horrible teams in the worst division in the NFL.  I would write more but I don't have enough apathy inside of me to bother. 

NY JETS -8 over Buffalo - Poor Buffalo.  You looked so real early in the season.  I was so excited to have you back in my life.  With Fred Jackson done for the season I've got to believe that so are your playoff hopes. 

JACKSONVILLE +7 over Houston - I simply cannot and will not bet on Matt Leinart.  I feel like this is chiseled in stone somewhere in the desert in Vegas. 

Chicago +3.5 over OAKLAND -  This is more a bet against Carson Palmer facing Chicago's D than a bet for the Bears.  I have no idea what will happen in this game.

SEATTLE -3 over Washington - Sexy Rexy vs the 12th man?  I'll take the Seahawks crazy fan base over the Shakiest Starting QB in the NFL.

New England -3 over PHILLY - I don't think much of the Pats this year but I think even less of the Eagles.  If my AFC v. NFC theory is correct, the Pats are a lot better than the Eagles. 

Denver +7 over SAN DIEGO - Looks to me like the Chargers have quit on Norv Turner.  I'd be shocked if he kept his job and absolutely floored if he ever got another shot at a head coaching job.

Pittsburgh -10 over KANSAS CITY - I'm perfectly comfortable with giving up double digit points to the Chiefs as a home dog.  Thank you, Tyler Palko and Todd Haley.

NY Giants +8.5 over NEW ORLEANS - Despite the choke job against Philly I'm still convinced that the Giants are a strong team.  On top of that, they need this game now more than they would have if they'd beaten the Eagles last week. 

So far this week - 1-2

Last week - 10-3-1

Happy Thanksgiving!

I've been having loads of fun while on my West Coast Cancer Road Trip since I last posted.  I will be filling you all in on all the details eventually but for now a simple beat sheet (that's a hip industry term for those of you not in the hip Hollywood loop.  Have I mentioned that I'm a terrifically unsuccessful actor/writer? At least I know my proper industry jargon).  (that was a lot of stuff to type into a parenthetical)

Saturday - Big Time Cancer Party!  Picture a scene from Blow only without all the cocaine, the giant crowds of people dancing and the DEA/ATF agents.  I was, however, dressed exactly like Penelope Cruz.

Sunday - Drive to Paso Robles for wine tasting.  Nothing like the unintended pretentiousness that comes so naturally when tasting wine.  Also, the Lovely Girlfriend got drunk!  More on that later.

Monday - Arrive in San Francisco!  Thanksgiving week begins.

Tuesday - A business trip to Livermore that turns into a whole afternoon/evening with my cousin plus more wine tasting.

Wednesday - A blown transmission on a POS Saturn Ion!  A tow, a car rental and finally a dinner at a great pizza joint.

So that's what you'll all have to look forward to reading about in the days to come but right now I need to get to what's important.  FOOTBALL PICKS!  I was 10-3-1 last week and I'm feeling the mojo.  Here's my picks for the Thanksgiving Games.

DETROIT +7 over Green Bay - I'm hoping that this is the week that the Packers fall.  Last year the Lions D-line pounded Rodgers and they held that high scoring offense to just seven points.

Miami +7.5 over DALLAS - Miami is hot?  Dallas is hot?  How can two teams that are so poorly coached and so wildly inconsistent both be on the verge of four game winning streaks?  I've got no idea what to expect but I'll take the points.

San Fran +4.5 over BALTIMORE - The NFL has made it as hard as possible for the Niners to be successful.  Four west to east trips and this one on a short week.  This bet is solely based on the fact that Joe Flacco is still taking snaps for the Ravens.  That's how bad things have gotten with him.  I'm taking Alex Smith on a short week of prep and on the road! 

College Picks

Texas +8.5 over TEXAS A&M
Arkansas +12 over LSU
WVU -6.5 over Pitt
STANFORD -7 over Notre Dame

Last week - 2-2

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Football Friday! Week 11

A quick congrats to Tim Tebow for continuing to confound and bewilder the sports talk universe.  54 minutes of horrible quarterback play followed by five minutes of non-stop playmaking ability.  If I actually believed Tebow was a good quarterback I'd think he might be point shaving or something. 

CLEVELAND +1.5 over Jacksonville - I wish I was getting three points but since part of me believes that this game could end in a scoreless tie I'll take the points.  Also, I could not have been more wrong about Colt McCoy.  I used to think he had all the same intangibles of Tebow with even more talent now I think he may have less of both.

DETROIT -7 over Carolina - Okay, I am starting to feel a little more confident with my Cam Newton will not ever be a top-flight NFL QB.  Have you seen his last few games?  Now the league has got some film on him he's not looking quite so amazing.  I'm willing to bet it continues down hill throughout the season and over the next couple years until he winds up in a Vince Young-esque situation where the teams got loads of money tied up in him, his coach no longer wants to play him and he's lost the locker room. 

GREEN BAY -13 over Tampa - What the hell happened to Tampa?  Why on earth would they bring in Albert Haynesworth when the season looks like it's already lost, the team at times doesn't seem to play hard and you've got an impressionable young squad?  I doubt Raheem Morris's job is in trouble but he's got to be a little worried.

MIAMI Pick 'em over Buffalo - Home team pick, pure and simple.  If this game were in Buffalo I'd pick the Bills.  I have always hated the Dolphins, I think I've mentioned this before, but I kind of feel bad for their fans now.  They're probably out of the Luck sweepstakes, they could even save Sparano's job in which case they are the same team next year as this year.  Where does that get them?  Another 4-12 season?  On second thought, I kind of like the looks of that.  Go Miami!

MINNY +1 over Oakland - Remember my prediction from a couple weeks back.  The Vikes are the Hot Bad Team for the second half of the season.  Ponder is a legit NFL QB.  They can pound the ball plus they rush the passer.  Next year they are in the playoff hunt and the NFC North becomes the most loaded division in football.

WASHINGTON +8.5 over Dallas - I still can't buy into the Cowboys.  That's a lot of points for a divisional game even if Grossman and/or Beck are involved.  I'm probably going to regret this pick.

Cincy +9 over BALTIMORE - No Ray Lewis against a team that can pound the run.  The Bengals travel surprisingly well, Marvin Lewis is having another one of those "I'm gonna save my job this season" seasons that he seems to have every three years plus Andy Dalton is the best QB from the draft class of 2011!

Seahawks +3 over St. Louis - Coin flip.  No idea how this game will turn out other than it will almost certainly be hard to watch. 

SAN FRAN -9.5 over Arizona - Is it possible that the Niners are the second best team in the NFC?  I'm stunned.  Totally and completely stunned by this.  I would not want to be a visiting team come playoff time.

ATLANTA -6 over Tennessee - Tennessee has been surprisingly stout this year against some pretty good teams but the Falcons are now desperate for a W after blowing last weeks must have game against the Saints.  I can see them taking it out on the Titans.

CHICAGO -3.5 over San Diego - Norv Turner, on the road, the Chargers in cold weather, this is not looking good.  I'm kind of surprised it's not a six or seven point spread but I'm guessing that's based on the Chargers getting ten days of prep.  Here's the thing, if you had a team that lost four in a row and desperately needed to start playing with nasty streak in the hopes for a tough road win, wouldn't Norv Turner be the last coach on your list to accomplish this job?

NY GIANTS -4 over Philly - It's not entirely fair but I'm gonna say that this is looking like Andy Reid's swan song in Philly.  If I'm a San Diego fan or a Miami fan I am hoping and praying this happens.
 
NEW ENGLAND -14.5 over Kansas City - I'm a pretty big college football fan and when I heard Tyler Palko would be starting for the Chiefs I had zero clue as to where he played his college ball.  When I looked it up and saw he was a former Pitt Panther (a team that I always follow) I was stunned.  How could I have forgotten this guy?  Upon further review it turned out he'd finished his college career in 2006 and hasn't really played since. Not a good sign for the Chiefs.  You're starting quarterback should not also be a real estate agent during the off season.   

Last week - 9-7

College Picks

MICHIGAN -3 over Nebraska
OREGON -14.5 over Southern Cal
Washington -2 over OREGON ST
ARKANSAS -13 over Mississippi St.

Last week - 2-2

Grow a Beard!

You heard me.  Grow a beard.  A real beard not one of those silly chin strap beards, Color Me Bad isn't holding auditions for new members.  Not an ironic mustache, we've got enough hipster doofuses on our hands.  You know what would be ironic, if Wilfred Brimley showed up and ripped that silly little caterpillar off your lip.  No, I want to see a real, mangy, shaggy, robust beard.  The kind that makes your significant other ask - How long do you plan on keeping that?  Do it for me, the cancer patient.

I'd join you if I could.  Two weeks ago I had a beautifully full beard and while trimming it I accidentally took a giant chunk out of the right side.  I figured I'd just trim it all down to stubble so it could grow back in even.  It hasn't grown beyond stubble in two weeks.  Two weeks!  I used to be able to grow out a sizable face pelt in that time.  Now, nothing. 

Don't just do it for me.  Do it for our forefathers.  Those that made America what it is today all the while picking out mid-day snacks from their tremendous facial locks.  Let's take back the beard from hippies, college professors and creepy molesters and claim it for those that used to sport it - Real Men.



Wild West Beard



Civil War Beard



Hazzard County Beard



John Travolta's Beard



So grow a beard and join the legions of historically great men that sported unkempt facial hair loudly and proudly.

Thursday Night NFL Game - DENVER +7 over NY Jets

Helped Make America Great

Only Makes Horrible Ipod Playlists



 





Zdravstvujte

While perusing my traffic and audience statistics today I realized something.  I am big in Russia.  I'm not sure how this came about.  Like most everyone else that's ever tried to sell anything on craigslist, I've received those choppily written emails offering to pay well above the listed price in exchange for one form of money laundering or another.  I always eagerly give out my bank account info figuring that former Soviet Block identity theft is the perfect cover story to give my various creditors.  I also always ask them to follow me on twitter and hit me up on facebook, that's just good networking.  It's finally paying off!  As it turns out I've got a sizable international following and I'd say there is at least a pretty good chance that they are not all Russian Crime Lords.  They are probably friends of the various crime syndicates that heard good things about my blog and are now everyday readers.  What?  It's possible. 

So, since I already said hello to my Russian friends in the title of this post I would like to take this moment to welcome the rest of my international (and probably only partially criminal) followers.

To those in Germany I say - Guten Tag.  My buddies in Sweden get a big - Halla.  To my Indian friends - Namaste.  Hallo to those of you in both Iceland and The Netherlands.  Ciao to all my friends and relatives in Italy.  If I'm ever in Latvia I look forward to tracking down my one reader there to say Sveiki.  Hola!  To those in Spain and Venezuela that have been following along.  Oi!  To the readers in Brazil and I'd like a little credit for knowing the difference between Portuguese in Brazil and Portugal (no followers).  Salom to my readers in Israel and to my Egyptian readers, As Salaam alakum.  I'd say the fact that you both like my blogsite is a good indication that all the other differences can be worked out.  I'm a uniter not a divider.  Ya Su to those of you in Greece.  Ahoj to the loyal fans in Slovakia.  Finally a big Hello, Gidday Mate and Top o'the Morning to my the fans of the blog in Canada, The UK, Australia and Ireland.  Okay, I think that covers everybody.  If you are multi-multi-lingual and you are keeping track I used the informal greeting with everyone but the Russians.  I feel like we are all on a pretty informal basis at this point but I wanted to hedge my bets with the Russians.  They can be a tough crowd so I figured I'd be as respectful as possible.

If I left you and your country out please let me know and please feel free to tell anyone that you know in any other country about the julesfunwithcancer blog.  There are 196 countries in the world and I'd like to get at least one reader for each of them.  I'd be like the UN only sexy and handsome. 

Drew Barrymore makes Terrible Movies

In the past I have joked that the best relationships are long distance relationships.  Reason being, in those weekends spent together you get the absolute best of that person and none of the bullshit that we all come with.  The time spent between visits talking on the phone is typically centered around planning your next great getaway so again you don't have to ever deal with details like what is actually going on in the other persons life, long term wants and needs and if the two of you could ever make it through a difficult time.  You know, the little things.  It magnifies the best of times, diminishes the mundane and practically eradicates any of the hard stuff. 

If we were smart we would all live at least a days drive for our significant others.  Just think of how chock full'o fun your weekends would be.  How little, if ever, would you argue - even bicker - if you knew that the clock was running on your time together?  Think of all the romantic dinners out.  The ski trips you were always meaning to take.  I bet the divorce rate would plummet.  Hell, this could pull us out of the recession.  Maybe Obama should add this to the next stimulus package.  We'd solve the housing crisis, Amtrak would finally start making money, maybe even the US Postal Service could turn things around with the flood of lovelorn letters.  Okay, the last one is pretty unlikely since text messages and emails don't require postage or take three days to arrive.  But bars and restaurants would be full.  Every struggling actor/writer/artist/musician in America would have guaranteed employment.  Not in their chosen field but let's face it, if they were actually any good they'd be famous by now right?  God, I hope that's not right. 

Yep, it would be nothing but good times.  Sunny, happy, no deeper than the surface good times.  And there's the rub.  You cannot fully appreciate the good times without braving the bad.  My first night spent at home with my Lovely Girlfriend doing absolutely nothing would not have meant nearly as much had we not spent so many weeks unable to do anything about being apart. 

Also, a world filled with long distance relationships would eliminate the concept of make-up sex.  Now hotel sex, that'd be another thing all together.  So we'll have to call that side of the argument a tie.  So, in conclusion, we are probably stuck with each other - full time. 

We are Cleared for Landing

JetBlue, oh, JetBlue, what the fuck is wrong with you? 

I was really, really, REALLY hoping that I could report to all of you that my triumphant return to JetBlue Airways went off without a hitch.  I so badly wanted to let you all know that they had made amends and I would gladly be flying them again in the near future.  I was preparing to type out those exact sentences for all the world to see... and then I opened my checked luggage. 

I am not certain how a poorly trained Rhino would fare at baggage handling duties but I'd have to imagine the Rhino would best the Mental Midgets that work for JetBlue.  It's my fault, really.  Just like it's a parents fault when they decide to give their son unfettered access to the internet the moment he enters puberty or when a prison warden decides a violent repeat offender can get a weekend pass to go bar hopping.  I made the poor choice.  I trusted them with a task they clearly weren't ready for.  I should have started them off slow.  Maybe have them set the table for dinner, with the good china (that's really just extra thick paper plates in my world).  Or pack my car trunk so they can show me they understand concepts like you can't smash a square object into a round hole.  Hell, I should have just set them down in front of some tinker toys and wooden blocks.  Anything to show me they can handle responsibility like mature adults.

Instead I was greeted by a smashed metal (I can't even bend it back into shape) glasses case and pair of saline solution soaked lounge pants.  Luckily my glasses must have seen the devastation coming and made a run for it to the bottom of the suitcase.  I was spared the expense of replacing nearly new specs.

On the plus side, I am now in Culver City and back in the arms of my Lovely Girlfriend.  I will hopefully be posting updates on how fantastic this trip is on a daily basis.  If I fail to write on any given day please take heart in the fact that I am having the Best Damn Time a Cancer Patient is legally allowed to have.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Okay, no trains but the other two.

It's West Coast Road Trip Time!  I leave this afternoon for my three week trip to Los Angeles.  I don't actually fly out until Monday at 6am.  Since it is so damn difficult to leave the state of Maine by anything but horse and buggy I am driving down to Southern Maine to visit friends and family today and staying over-night for my flight tomorrow.

If you are wondering, I am flying back on JetBlue since they folded faster then Trotsky Goldblum under intense questioning by one of The Ladies Man's jilted girlfriends.  The flight was free and I am expecting a red carpet reception.  When I called to book the flight on the credit I was fawned over by the customer service lady.  I am assuming that somewhere in the notes on the credit it pointed out all the nonsense that went on in September.  If that's the case, I'll be throwing the Cancer Card around like Pacman Jones with a roll of singles at an Atlanta Gentleman's Club. 

I've got to wrap up this post to finish packing and finally get out of these sweatpants.  Maybe I should wear them on the plane.  It could assure that no one sits next to me. 

The National Football League!

Here's how much I love you, readers, loyal followers, avid fans, members of the Cult of Jules... er, forget I mentioned that last one, that's just what I call all of you in private.  What I was trying to get to is despite how lousy I feel, despite not ever making it out of my sweats for a few hours outside, despite needing to pack and rest for my big trip west, I am putting my needs aside to bring you this weeks NFL picks.  That's how much I love you.  Now drink the kool-aid.  Drink it!

ATLANTA +1 over New Orleans - Saints are kind of up and down for a team that looks like they should be a lot more dominate.  Falcons on a roll, able to grind it out thanks to Michael Turner against what looks like a weak front.  I'm picking the Falcons on a coin flip.

Pittsburgh -3 over CINCY -  Rookie QB vs a pissed off Steelers team.  Even though the rookie QB is a beyond his years Andy Dalton, he's still a rookie.

St. Louis +3 over CLEVELAND - Two awful teams.  Who wins?  Who Cares!  I'll take the points in a game that looks to set back the game of football by twenty years.

Buffalo +5.5 over DALLAS - I'll take a failed Dallas Cowboys coach over a soon to be failure as Cowboys coach.  Is it possible that Gailey's a good coach and we never got to see it because Jerry Jones was pulling an Al Davis (which we should now start calling a Jerry Jones) and coaching from the owners box?  I think it might be.

INDY +3 over Jacksonville - And you thought Rams v. Browns looked bad.  That game looks like a barn burner compared to this. 

KANSAS CITY -2.5 over Denver - So we've got a read option offense in the NFL now?  That's awesome.  I can't wait til teams start drafting QB's that run The Veer, Double Tight Wishbone and the Delaware Wing-T.  Oh, wait, that's never going to happen because those offensive schemes don't work on professional defenses. 

MIAMI -3.5 over Washington - Is it that there are a lot of shitty teams in the NFL this year or that they all happen to be playing each other this week?  You know what, forget it.  It doesn't matter.  Just like this game.

PHILLY -12 over Arizona -  Even with the win last week we are still in must win territory for the Eagles from here on out.  If they go 7-1 over the last half of the season they still only wind up 10-6.  That may not even get them a wild card.  I say they keep fighting for a couple more weeks then pack it in which winds up costing Andy Reid his job.  But it won't happen until at least next week, I hope.

Houston -3 over TAMPA - Since it looks like the Texans are actually pretty good I don't feel so bad about the Steelers losing to them early in the season.  I think they are under-rated and I think we will start to hear about how under-rated they are after this weeks win.

Tennessee +4 over CAROLINA - Carolina's rush D is terrible and their Pass D is at best ordinary.  I'm betting this is Chris Johnson's back from the dead game.

SEATTLE +7.5 over Baltimore - Trap game!  West coast trip against a lousy team sandwiched between two divisional games.  Baltimore wins but I don't know that they win by much.

Detroit +3 over CHICAGO - Monday night letdown game.  Chicago's O-line played their asses off against the Eagles but I don't see it happening two weeks in a row.

NY Giants +3.5 over SAN FRAN - I'm still not sold on Alex Smith against teams that are actually good.  And especially not against teams that have a d-line like the Giants. 

New England +2 over NY JETS - As much as I hate the Pats, they don't lose three in a row.  They don't.  A big part of me hopes they do but they don't.

GREEN BAY -13 over Minny - I'll take the Packers making some adjustments for their second go around with Ponder.  I like the Vikes in the second half of the season but not against the Packers at home.  Too much.

Also, I'm gonna go ahead and give myself a W on the Raiders/Chargers game.  Nobody thinks less of Norv Turner than I do.  If that's not enough to convince you then I'll be throwing down the Cancer Card.  I didn't want to but you made me.

Last week
7-7

UFC FIGHT - Cain Velasquez beats Dos Santos by decision.

WBO FIGHT - Manny Pacquiao beats Marquez in 8

A Good Boot in the Ass

It's hard to feel normal when you are in sweatpants every day.  I don't think this revelation is worthy of a cross stitch pillow or anything but it was the first thing I thought of when I got up this morning and I wanted to share it with all of you.  Something about sweatpants says "I am considering life as a shut in."  I've been in the same sweatpants for three straight days.  For the record, I have been showering and changing skivvies.  I feel bad but not Internet Gamer Living in His Mom's Basement Bad. 

It would be fitting that the final chemo infusion would be the worst of them.  From the moment I sat down for the last infusion and they started running the saline into my arm I was overwhelmed with nausea.  A little trick, if you ever feel like you need to projectile vomit, holding an alcohol swab under your nose helps prevent that from happening.  The smell of the rubbing alcohol is so strong it takes away the nausea.  I spent four hours in the reclining chair slowly filling a waste basket with dried up swabs and their individually wrapped packaging.  It worked.  I still haven't throw-up once in four months.  This may come back to haunt me the next time I have a deliciously messy meal at a barbecue joint.  I imagine the moment that the handy-wipes come out I'll be thrown into some kind of Deer Hunter-esque flashback of a nurse slapping my face while screaming - Mau!  Didi Mau!

I've also managed to not crap my pants during this entire treatment.  I don't know why I'm so proud of these two achievements.  It's not like on a regular day I keep track of such things.  Let's see, what's on my to do list today?  Not soil myself.  Check.  Now onto that job interview.  No, I'm normally not so concerned with the kind of things that two-year-olds have to overcome.  I have to admit, in my head sometimes, I do congratulate myself for being such a Big Boy. 

I do have plans for today, if I can manage to work my way out of the sweats.  I've got jeans and a pair of cowboy boots just waiting to be put on so I can leave the house.  At the risk of sounding like one of the those horrible Harpies on Sex and The City it is amazing how much better I feel when I put on boots.  There is just something about a good pair of cowboy boots that makes me feel a whole lot less sick.  A whole lot more healthy.  And another step closer to my old life. 

Here's my College Football Picks:

Texas -1.5 over MIZZOU
KANSAS STATE +5.5 over Texas A&M
FLORIDA STATE - 9 over Miami
Michigan State -2.5 over IOWA

Last week 2-1

Psycho, Somatic or Both?

Tomorrow is my last dose of chemo.  I get my blood drawn at 9am.  I meet with Hans Gruber at 10am.  I sit down for my infusion by 11am.  It will take about two and a half hours.  I will take some steroids (the reason I'm getting so fat I discovered) beforehand to help ease the immediate symptoms.  This will be the last time I have to go through this nausea inducing, hair thinning, process.  Every two weeks for four months is finally over and done with.  I'm very lucky.  My Dad was on chemo for over a year.  Twice.  I've read accounts of people being on and off chemo for years on end.  Honestly, I don't know how they do it.  They are a braver group than I. 

The first month of chemo was a breeze.  Sure, I had some mild symptoms but nothing that I couldn't live with.  The last three months have been a lot less breezy.  I've always considered myself a genuine tough guy but I'd cry like a little baby if they told me tomorrow I had to put up with another day of chemo treatments.  I suppose it's better than the alternative (being dead) but it's not any kind of life either.  Having gone through a mere one hundred and twenty days of it I am awed by those that have to endure even a minute longer.   

As I've come to discover it's not just the week to ten days of feeling absolutely awful after each infusion that makes chemo a complete and total pain in the balls.  It's the anticipation of it.  It's a kind of mental torture.  Knowing that even though you feel fine today in only four, three, two and then one day you will have to go through it all again.  It's becoming hard to tell if I actually have a bad taste in my mouth or if I'm remembering that taste.  Is that the same wet rusty metal smell that has haunted me for the last four months or am I imagining it?  Am I physically tired or just mentally exhausted?  Why aren't I wearing any pants?

The last question is easy to answer - it's no pants Tuesday.  The rest of the questions I cannot figure out.  I am hoping that the three weeks spent in Los Angeles will help eliminate the tastes, the smells and the bone deep fatigue.  I am hoping that at some point the memory of this awful feeling will fade.  At some point I'll be able to take a breath through my nose without worrying about a sickening smell.  At some point I'll won't wretch for no apparent reason.  Hopefully, when I feel this way in the future it's because I've just tied one on like you read about in celebration of the fact that I beat cancer! 

Can Anyone Ever Get Enough of My Football Predictions? I say no.

Before I begin handing out Christmas presents in early November I want to mention one thing.  I realized something today, thanks to cancer I will never again have to help someone move.  I'm a pretty big guy, I've got a pick-up truck and I used to work as a furniture mover so I am asked to help someone move about every month it seems.  I almost always agree to lend a hand as I can never resist the opportunity to drink free beer and eat free pizza.  This also allows me to see how much awful crap most of my friends have.  I don't think it's because I've got poor friends (financially, I mean.  I'm not saying they are poor excuses for human beings, well, not all of them).  Having worked as a mover for a couple years I can tell you that everyone - even the very rich - have some awful crap that they are inexplicably hanging on to and in all likelihood they are a little bit embarrassed by it.  This always leads to the moment when you go to pick up some box and find that it's filled with something totally off the wall - ancient Asian erotica, wallets that look like they were made either in a prison or at a summer camp, jars of brightly painted dead beetles (I swear) - and the owner of said box is forced to address its contents.  They say one of two things "Those were my (insert dead relative here), I can't throw them out" or "That's going to be a collectors item one day."  You are then forced to provide a supportive response like "I've been trolling Ebay for sexually graphic woodcarvings, they fetch a pretty penny."  After that no one makes eye contact with each other for about twenty minutes.  

Thanks to the Hodgkin's Lymphoma and the treatments to get rid of it I've got a built in excuse for at least the next couple years if not longer.  I'm sorry, man, all my strength is sapped from the cancer.  I'll tell you what, you can borrow my truck, I wish I could help out more.  Oh, I don't think there's much for gas in it.  Cheap sympathy and a free tank of gas, what could be better?

Okay, on with the picks.

BUFFALO -1 over New York Jets - I'm surprised this line has shrunk since the beginning of the week.  Mark Sanchez on the road?  Combine that with hearing at least three times this week that Fred Jackson's wife picked him in the late rounds of her fantasy draft.  Cute little puff pieces are always a sign that a team is going to cover - look at the Niners stay in Canton, Ohio stories from a few weeks back.  I saw the sign once before but I didn't capitalize on it, you won't get me again.

Atlanta - 7 over INDY - I'm no conspiracy theorist and I think Jim Irsay is normally too drunk to plan anything that would be this brilliant but if ten years from now it comes out that the Colts intentionally tanked because they had the perfect excuse with Manning out I will forever hate them.

DALLAS -11 over Seattle - Two huge up and down teams.  I'm taking a stab at this, nothing more.

KANSAS CITY -4 over Miami - Could be a Monday night let down for the Chiefs but it's still against the Fins.  As tough as Miami has played they looked absolutely crushed emotionally last week with the Giants coming back to beat them.  Tears in their eyes crushed.

NEW ORLEANS -7.5 over Tampa - At home and pissed about choking against the Rams.  Look for the Saints to crush the Bucs.  Also, what happened to Josh Freeman?  I thought this was supposed to be his breakout year?

San Fran -3 over WASHINGTON - I don't care if the Niners are making their third trip across the country, the Skins are completely and totally awful.  With the exception of the Elway years is there any reason for us to continue to believe that Mike Shannahan is a good coach? 

HOUSTON -10.5 over Cleveland - Colt McCoy, you and your super hero sounding name have let me down.  I don't know why I'm disappointed other than much like when the Raiders are good and I love to hate them I used to love to hate the Old Cleveland Browns.  You know the team that Baltimore stole from the good people of Cleveland after decades of bitching about how the Colts were stolen from them.  Don't ever feel bad for or trust a person from Baltimore.

Cincy -1.5 over TENNESSEE - Colonel, didn't I tell you that Andy Dalton was going to be good?  Didn't I?!

OAKLAND -7 over Denver - Timmy, please consider a position change.  Please.  You could make a great tight end, I know it.  You will never make a great quarterback, we all know it.

New York Giants +10.5 over NEW ENGLAND - Seems like a whole ton of points for a Pats team to cover when you consider they can't stop the pass, rush the passer or protect Brady with any consistency.  The Giants d-line is damn good, maybe the best front four in all of football. 

ARIZONA pick 'em over St. Louis - Your who cares game of the week!  Besides the mothers, girlfriends and wives of the players and coaches will anyone be watching?

SAN DIEGO +6 over Green Bay - Green Bay may win but even the rudderless Chargers have to know that if they don't get a W soon their season is over.  I'm thinking this game looks something like 27-24 Packers on a last minute field goal. 

PITTSBURGH -3 over Baltimore - Revenge game!  Steelers are on the upswing, Ravens (well, really just Joe Flacco) are struggling.  This game will probably determine the AFC North.  So glad it's being played in the Burgh!

PHILLY -7 over Chicago - All I can see is the Eagles D-line standing over the crumpled body of Jay Cutler while the Bears lineman point fingers and Mike Martz stares at his clipboard.

Last week - 6-7

College Picks

LSU +5 over ALABAMA
Arizona State -8.5 over UCLA
Kansas State +21.5 over OAK STATE

Last week 2-2

Theology or Mythology

I am rarely comfortable talking intimately about my religious beliefs.  I can talk Religion.  I'm fascinated by religious history so I can have a relatively well informed discussion about various aspects of the Protestant Reformation, the Nag Hammadi and the books of the Apocrypha to name a few.  But if you want to actually talk about what it is I believe, I'm very often at a loss for words.  My Mother has been an ordained minister since I was in middle school.  My Father got one of those mail-order ordinations (say that five times fast)  from the Church of Hope and Light or some such place way back during my parents hippie days in San Francisco.  I grew up in the church.  Went to church every Sunday since before I can remember up until I moved away from home at eighteen.  I am well versed in the Bible.  I know dozens of hymns by heart.  I may even be able to pull off giving a sermon if I had to.  I know all the stories, how they relate to each Christian "season" and I'm a great public speaker (can I get an amen?!).   Yet, when I encounter someone that Truly Believes, I never feel faithful enough.  When talking religion with some one that has no belief at all, I am hard pressed to put my beliefs into terms that even I could understand let alone another person.

I've been thinking about this often, since my Fathers passing.  We had a number of discussions about religion.  I think he was as fascinated as I was about all the various religions that had passed through the years.  We had joked, a number of times, about how much of a pain in the ass it would be if when you got to Heaven it turned out that Ra, the Egyptian Sun God, was the guy in charge.  Wouldn't he be ticked at you for not believing in him.  You would try to explain how you'd always been meaning to visit the Pyramids.  How you're certain that if you had ever gotten around to it you would have for sure switched over to Ra.  At which point you'd be totally screwed because Ra's God and he can tell that you're lying to him.  A major no-no in Heaven.  You try to point out that you aren't the only one that didn't know Ra was such a big deal and really not even the Egyptians follow Egyptian Mythology.  And now Ra's become completely unglued because you called it Mythology which means he's not real and clearly he's real because he's standing right in front of you and about to send you packing across the River Styx (great band!) with the Boatman. 

I've wondered, over these last couple months, just who it is my Dad ran into up there.  Obviously, the Christian Tradition says it's God and Jesus and the whole thing.  Mankind has taken thousands of whacks at trying to explain exactly who, what and if you get to see anything at all once your heart stops pumping.  I've got what I grew up with to lean back on or, perhaps, my own whack at trying to understand what happens to us once it's over.  The only problem is I'm still trying to decide just what it is I believe.    

Until I come up with something I'm satisfied with, I've been talking to my Father.  I've asked him if it's all gonna work out.  I haven't gotten specific as to what "all" of it is in the hopes he lets slip more than he's allowed.  Also, in the hopes that I eventually hear back. 

The Husky Section

280.  This is the number I am quickly approaching.  280lbs.  AKA, the biggest tub of goo that I've been since I got divorced over a decade ago.  Granted, while I was married, I let myself go.  I figured, I've tricked this unsuspecting woman into loving me, why bother to keep up with appearances?  Now, I'm not saying that The Ex broke it off because of my weight.  She broke it off because I was kind of a shitty husband.  If I'd been a hard-bodied shitty husband that may have kept her around for a little bit longer but it was gonna end eventually.  Lucky for my Lovely Girlfriend, I have learned a number of lessons from that failed relationship and the handful of others I had in the decade after. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still super difficult to live with.  Have to get things my way.  Bitch and moan over things I don't like and take most of what she does for granted.  But at least now I say thank you every so often and I'm willing to offer the occasional apology (but only when it's absolutely necessary.  Those words taste awful bitter coming out of my mouth).  Oh, and I work out all the time.  Just in case the now mildly shitty boyfriend routine ever wears thin.  My Lovely Girlfriend can think - it could be worse, he could be a real dick and a fatty.  Or at least I used to work out.  It's been almost four months since I've broken a sweat.  The last time was just days before I got my official diagnosis.  I got suckered into digging post holes for The Boy's new fence.  Word to the wise, if you are ever asked to help a friend dig post holes - stop being friends with that person.  No true friend would put you through that form of torture.  Also, for the record, the soon to be cancer patient was fine the next day while The Boy had to call in sick to work due to exhaustion.  Since that time I've been told repeatedly not to overexert myself.  In the first few weeks I had to refrain from working out despite my desire to do so.  In the last couple of months I don't think I've had the energy to even make an attempt at overexerting myself. 

If you are wondering how I got up to nearly 280 after only four months of sedentary living the answer is simple.  I love to eat.  Even with all the various forms of Boxing and P90X workouts I probably still walked around fifteen or twenty pounds heavier then I should have been.  The working out allowed me to eat and drink whatever I wanted and still maintain a marginally fit look.  As I've mentioned before, I was kind of counting on The Chemo Diet to take off those last dozen or so lbs and give me back the six-pack I had when I was... well, never.  That's why I was so excited about the chemo.  Forget about curing the lymphoma this was my first chance for six-pack abs!  Last week my Oncologist, Hans Gruber, informed me that some people actually gain weight while on chemo.  Thanks for filling me in on that now.  If I'd known that I would have avoided the daily servings of chocolate cake.

On November, 9th I get my final chemo infusion.  I also get the infernal Picc Line out of my arm.  I'll be flying back to LA a few days later once the worst of the side effects wear off and I'll be there for about three weeks.  There is an MMA gym about two blocks away from our apartment.  At this point I could begin my painful journey back to moderate fitness.  I will still have to go through about a month worth of radiation and I may or may not be able to work out during that time but at least those three weeks could slow my rapid growth into a fatty boom-ba-latty.  Or, option B, I could not bother exercising until I get an all's clear from Hans Gruber and see if in the time in between I manage to tip the scales at Three Bills!  I would go back to working out eventually, of course.  What's more a more impressive thing to hear, I used to weigh three hundred or I used to be two-eighty-five?  Doctors could label me morbidly obese, I'd shed the weight and suddenly I'd be an inspiration!  I'd have beaten the odds!  What an amazing story! 

Darlin, if I acted nicer, would it be alright if I got fatter?  Just for a little while?  Think of the dramatic before and after pictures.