NFL WEEK 10!

Too hung over for preamble, no time for chit-chat.  Here's the Stone Cold Red Hot Lead Pipe Shoe In Locks!

Giants -4.5 over BENGALS
DOLPHINS -6.5 over Titans
Lions -2.5 over VIKINGS
PATS -11 over Bills
SAINTS +2.5 over Falcons
BUCS -3 over Chargers
Broncos -3.5 over PANTHERS
Raiders +9 over RAVENS
Jets +6 over SEAHAWKS
Cowboys -1 over EAGLES
Rams +13.5 over 49ERS
Texans +1.5 over BEARS
STEELERS -12 over Chiefs

1-0 so far this week. 

70-61-3 overall.


 

NFL WEEK 9!

I should stop apologizing each week for putting this post up so late and just recognize the fact that I'm not posting on this blog with any near the consistency as I would like. 

On the plus side I posted my third straight winning week and have inched my record for the season to a not too shabby 64-53-3.  I missed posting a Thursday night pick so I'm 0-0 so far this week.

With 30 minutes to kickoff - here's my Stone Cold Red Hot Lead Pipe Shoe In Picks!

Broncos -4 over BENGALS
BROWNS +4 over Ravens
Cards +10.5 over PACKERS
TITANS +5 over Bears
COLTS +2.5 over Dolphins
SKINS -3 over Panthers
JAGS +6 over Lions
Bills +11 over TEXANS
Bucs +1.5 over RAIDERS
SEAHAWKS -4 over Vikings
GIANTS -3.5 over Steelers
FALCONS -3.5 over Cowboys
Eagles +3 over SAINTS

Place your bets!

NFL WEEK 8!

Once again I've put off making my picks until the 11th hour.  It's a formula that seems to be working, with a second winning week in a row and a bold step into the over .500 category for the season so far.  Good luck out there to all you gambling addicts that might actually be consulting this blog before putting your money down.  Also, you've probably got a problem if you're consulting a cancer blog about NFL lines.  I urge you to seek help.

Oh, and one last thing - thank you TB for providing me an 1-0 start this week and continuing the dog cover tradition on Thursday nights. 

Here's my Stone Cold, Red Hot, Lead Pipe, Shoe In Locks!

BEARS -7.5 over Panthers
BROWNS +3 over Chargers
Seahawks +2.5 over LIONS
RAMS +7 over Pats
Colts +4 over TITANS
PACKERS -14.5 over Jags
Dolphins +2.5 over JETS
Falcons +3 over EAGLES
STEELERS -4 over Redskins
Raiders +1 over CHIEFS
BRONCOS -6 over Saints
Giants -1 over COWBOYS
CARDS +8 over 49ers

Last week: 9-3-1
This week so far: 1-0
Overall - 55-48-3

NFL WEEK 7!

I'm so late in posting this I don't have enough time to explain the reasoning behind each game.  You'll just have to trust me that my thought process is sound and my picks will be just as wildly inaccurate as they are every other week. 

Titans +4 over BILLS
COLTS -1 over Browns
RAMS +5 over Packers
Cards +7 over VIKES
Skins +6.5 over GIANTS
BUCS pick em over Saints
Cowboys -2.5 over PANTHERS
TEXANS -6.5 over Ravens
RAIDERS -6 over Jags
Jets +10.5 over PATS
Steelers -1 over BENGALS
LIONS +7 over Bears

Last week: 9-5

So far this week: 1-0

Overall: 45-45-2

NFL WEEK 6 - The Beating Continues

After taking a Ike Turner-esque beating from the NFL last week some of you probably expected me to escape from the limo, sprint into a hotel across the street to safety then slowly build a comeback through Musical Revues in retirement homes - or something like that, it's been a while since I've seen that Tina Turner movie.  But no, I'm still at the point in the film where I'm ready to come back for more apply make-up to the resulting bruises and tell all my friends that The NFL didn't really mean it.

So, without further ado and with a slight flinch after each prediction - here's my NFL Week 6 picks!  Betting the other side of these picks will almost certainly guarantee a winning week for you.

FALCONS -9 over Raiders - Raiders are only good at home and against other, shitty teams.  Atlanta is at home and not a shitty team so you do the math.

Bengals -2.5 over BROWNS - Bengals are in need of a W after dropping one at home last week to the Dolphins. I get the feeling the Browns are just happy they won the first half against the G-men last week.  Cincy puts it on 'em in an effort to stay in the hunt in the AFC North.

Rams +5 over DOLPHINS - I'm starting to believe that the NFC West is a tough division. Maybe one of the toughest in the league.  That's an amazing turn around from the last few years as the doormat of all of pro football.  Rams try to build on their momentum and Maimi's standing in their way.  St. Louis doesn't just cover, they pull out the W.

Colts +3.5 over JETS - After just five weeks the Indy looks like a totally different team.  Even with the loss of Pagano as HC this team looks hot.  The Jets are slowly working towards Rex Ryan's inevitable week 13 firing. 

Lions +3.5 over EAGLES - Philly may be the flashiest bad team in the history of the NFL.  Right up there with June Jones/Jeff George's Falcon's squad of the mid-90's and Jerry Glanville's Houston Oilers/Atlanta Falcon's teams of the early 90's.  Lots of offensive weapons with no real ability to capitalize on them.  It's got to be chalked up to bad coaching.  Just as Rex Ryan won't make it through the season, I don't expect Andy Reid to last until Week 17 either. 

BUCS -4 over Chiefs - Brady Quinn! Brady Quinn! Brady Quinn!

Cowboys +3.5 over RAVENS - Dallas is one of those up/down teams so based on how badly they played two weeks ago and the fact they're coming off a bye week I can only assume this will be their up week. 

Bills +6 over CARDS - I'm fully expecting this pick to not only blow up in my face but also tear my arms off Oliver Stone PLATOON-style.  Hey, guys, look what I found, the Bills D-line vs. a Cards line that has trouble... BOOM! That's how this will probably go but what the hell, I'm picking this box up either way.

SEAHAWKS +3.5 over Pats - 12th Man! Seahawks D! 1st game at home since the NFL burned up nearly a billion dollars in bets by letting a high school ref onto the field!  I can't believe it myself but for two weeks in a row I'm throwing off my new found hatred for Seattle and cheering for the Seahawks! Go that awful Neon Green and some kind of silver!

Giants +7 over NINERS - The G-Men are Road Warriors that always play up to or down to the level of their competition.  The last thing they want is to drop to 3-3. Even with a divisional games coming up over the next two week this isn't the trap game it looks like.  That was last week against Cleveland.  I think the Giants not only cover put pull out a win.

Vikes -1 over SKINS - Minny is an old school football team.  They will pound the ball against Washington, wear them out then put them away.  Throw in Robert Griffin's scrambled brains and I see this as a route.

TEXANS -3 over Packers - Texans are the best team in the NFL.  Packers still have a reputation as a great team but none of the real results of an actual great team.  If this were a game against a team without such a national following the spread would probably be closer to 6 or 7.

Broncos pick'em over CHARGERS - I can't figure out the Broncos or the Chargers.  I'm inclined to believe that neither team is very good and ultimately the AFC West will produce a playoff team that doesn't deserve to be there and gets housed in the first round.

Last week: 5-9

 

NFL WEEK 5

With kickoff looming, here are my blazing hot, stone cold, lead pipe, shoe ins!

BENGALS -3 over Fins - Miami's may be better than they looked to start the season - a low bar to jump over but still worth noting.  The Bengals look shakier than they did last year.  Either way, only a crazy person takes Miami on the road.

Packers -6.5 over COLTS - Half point more and this looks like a push to me or a home dog cover.  I think the Pack are putting it together.  Slowly recovering from the Seattle Debacle.  They'll take it out on Indy.

CHIEFS +6.5 over Ravens - I can't tell you a single thing about KC.  Are they a team on the rise? Do they have lots of weapons? Based on how up and down terrible they've looked, I just can't say.  I can tell you the Ravens are one of the five best teams in the NFL.  Still, there's something I like about Kansas City at home.  I'm throwing my hands up - home dog, that's the pick.

Browns +9 over GIANTS - This shouldn't even be close but for some reason the G-Men never seem to play as well at home as on the road and they also never stomp on those teams they are so clearly better than. 

STEELERS -2.5 over Eagles - Bye week, the fear of going to 1-3, all their healthy players back.  The Steelers are amped for this game.

Falcons -3 over SKINS - In some game soon RG3 will get broken into RG4 or RG5.  He's taking too bad a beating to make it through a whole season.

Seahawks +3 over PANTHERS - I know this goes against what I promised just last week of actively rooting against Seattle but come on! Those DB's against Cam Newton?  This isn't even fair.  How many picks does Cam throw?  I'm setting the o/u at 3.5.

JAGS +6 over Bears - Good game, bad game, bad game, good game.  This is the pattern of the Bears.  I'm expecting a lull here.

Titans +6 over VIKES - I'm a believer in Minnesota.  I'm impressed.  This team is for real. That being said, the Titans HAVE TO WIN this game to keep their season from flushing down the toilet.  I think the Vikings win, just not by 6.

Broncos +7.5 over PATS - Despite two loses New England still commands a touchdown favorite advantage at home? Over a team with an excellent D, a solid run game and Peyton Manning at QB? Even post whiplash surgery, Peyton is a tough quarterback to bet against. Pats win but by a lot closer to 3 than 7.

Bills +11 over 49ERS - Too many points for a Niners team that can't score lots of points.  Beating the crap out of a horrible Jets team doesn't make the Niners all of the sudden a high scoring O.  Plus, this Bills team tends to bounce back after big beatings.

SAINTS -3 over Chargers - Four weeks into the season and Norv Turner has proved my wrong more often than he's proved me right.  That will not keep me from continuing to bet against him.  GEAUX SAINTS!

Texans -8 over JETS - No Revis. No Holmes. No Keller, Hill or Conner.  This Jets team banged up, poorly coached, has zero quality qb play.  In a nutshell, this Jets team is atrocious. 

This week: 1-0 after taking Rams +3 over Cards.  Seriously, if you were friends with me on facebook you'd have seen that pick.

Last week: 7-8

Overall: 30-31-2

 

My Bad Ass Thyroid

Damn is my thyroid one bad mofo.  Nine months ago my thyroid took the kind of beating white supremacist prison gangs would find excessive.  It looked rough afterwards.  The doctors all said it wouldn't make it.  It'd have to be on meds it's whole life.  It was too weak to make it on it's own.  It's days were numbered.

My Thyroid and I wouldn't accept that answer. We both grew up in the 80's and if there was one thing we learned from movies during that time, a doctor's diagnosis was just an invitation to start training montage style.  Sure, it took some time to recover.  We were both pretty wiped out for a solid seven months but slowly, we licked our wounds and prepared for our triumphant return. 

Last Monday, my thyroid started it's comeback.  The work out was brutal.  Nearly two solid hours in 95 degree heat.  Mix martial art training with two guys that could probably snap my neck if I really pushed the envelope on the trash talk.  Wednesday's workout was even rougher. Tomorrow I'll put my thyroid through it's paces again.  My thyroid is a fuckin workout monster!

So from gangland style beat down to some two-hundred and seventy days later and now my thyroid would kick your thyroids ass!  On top of that my thyroid is drug free.  As a matter of fact, I'm looking for one of those clean amateur thyroid contests to enter my thyroid in to match it up with other bad ass thyroids.  There may or may not be a thyroid magazine featuring totally ripped scantily clad thyroids posing seductively.  Okay, there probably isn't but I've never looked so I can't say for certain.  Either way, if there was such a magazine, my thyroid would deserve a centerfold. 

I'm not really sure what my thyroid looks like but if it's anything like it's owner, it exudes sexuality. And because it's a kick ass thyroid it also exudes triiodothyronine.  One of those can get messy.  I'll leave it up to you decide which. 

So here's to my Bad Ass Mofo of Thyroid! I'll now have a couple drinks in celebration of you working.  Secure in the knowledge that any additional calories I take in will be handled by you regulating my thyroxine and in turn my metabolism.  Fuckin-A Right, Thyroid! You Rock!

NFL WEEK 4

I would like to start this post with a message to one of my non-readers.  A blog that only receives about forty readers per day has significantly more non-readers than readers but this non-reader is kinda famous.  Peter Clay Carroll, this blog is dedicated to you. 

Pete, for the last week I've listened to you sound like a petulant child.  A kid that got away with something but won't acknowledge he got away with it.  Instead insisting he deserved it.  No wink and nod like your rookie QB, Russell Wilson, was smart enough to do.  No we caught a lucky break on that one. Nothing but the ridiculous insistence that the officials were "right on point" and "saw the whole thing."  Insisting that it was then reviewed in the booth and the next day by the NFL and the call stands.  I don't know if this ludicrous stance was dictated to you by the powers that be or if Peter Clay Carroll decided on your own a complete and total refusal to even slightly hint at the atrocity of the call would eventually lead people to forget what occurred on the final play.  We'll call it the Fox News approach.  The hope that if you say something enough - "it was simultaneous when they went to the ground" - no matter how inaccurate it is to the rules or the facts, one day someone will be fool enough to believe it.  Who knew Pete Carroll was a Tea Partier?

In an effort for full disclosure, I have never been the biggest fan of Pete Carroll, head coach.  Not that I dislike you personally.  I have no idea what you're like as a person.  Good or bad.  You're probably a great guy.  You certainly seem well liked.  No, I wasn't a fan because I lived in NYC while you coached the Jets. Moved to Boston on the tail end of your stint with the Patriots.  Follow the NFL to a fault and have never seen any evidence to convince me you're a very good coach.  Also, I wasn't too impressed with how you bolted from USC when they shit was about to hit the fan. The nonsense this week confirmed all my long held beliefs.  Pete Carroll gives interviews like an over caffeinated phys ed teacher gives sex ed classes.  Rambling, incoherent and mildly uncomfortable with the whole thing.  If I didn't know what you were talking about before the question was asked I'm even more confused by your answer. 

In closing, I will now be actively rooting against you, Pete Carroll, and your team, the Seattle Seahawks.  Where as before I didn't believe Seattle mattered enough as a city or a team to invest anything greater than a passing moment of thought I will now attempt to cultivate negative energy against them. I doubt I'm alone on this.  With reports of gambling swings in the 500 billion range based on that horrific call, you can be pretty certain Seattle has generated a veritable tsunami of bad karma.  I'm kinda excited for the possibilities of heartbeaking losses that await the Seahawks the remainder of the season.

Okay, now that we've cleared the air on how I feel about what went on last Monday night let's get to the NFL picks!  I'm already 0-1 after picking the Ravens -11 over the Browns. Thanks, Joe Flacco, for reminding me why I should never give up more than -6.5 on you.

FALCONS -7 over Panthers - All the things I said last year about why Cam Newton wasn't a reliable starting QB in the NFL are being proven to be true this year.  Why'd it take a year? You got me but even Ryan Leaf looked halfway decent in his first few starts.  I'm not saying Cam is the next Ryan Leaf but don't be surprised if by the end of the 2013 season Carolina is shopping him.

Patriots -3.5 over BILLS - I think the Bills will be a solid team, maybe even a playoff team but I cannot imagine the Pats losing three in a row.  They win and they win huge. 

LIONS -4 over Vikings - Tremendous win for the Vikes last week.  Almost a " this is their Super Bowl" type win.  I expect a letdown this week as a result.  Throw in the Lions blowing the OT against the Titans and they'll be up big for a home divisional game.

Chargers pick'em over CHIEFS - If the Chiefs had the ability to stop anyone I'd be all over them against Norv Turner on the road in division but... Okay - Strike that CHIEFS OVER CHARGERS!  I'm so glad I remembered how poorly coached a squad the Chargers are.

RAMS +3.5 over Seahawks - Why? Because fuck you, Seattle! That's why!

TEXANS -12 over Titans - I just cannot pick against Houston right now.  From top to bottom they are too good.  Jake Locker up against the Texans D? That doesn't sound pretty.

Niners -3.5 over JETS - Jim Harbaugh does not let what happened last week against Minny happen again this week.  He just doesn't.

Raiders +8 over BRONCOS - I hate making this pick but I'm losing faith in Peyton Manning.  I'm not giving that Denver offense over a touchdown to beat a feisty Oakland team by.  Doesn't make sense.

CARDS -4.5 over Dolphins - Arizona might be for real! I could swear there was a rule somewhere about never putting your faith in a guy sporting a billy goat on his chin but - Wow - this team looks good.  Got to like them against a Dolphins team that couldn't put away the struggling Jets at home.

Bengals pick'em over JAGS - I don't know what to make of the Jags.  They look awful to me but then again that was a respectable win against the Colts last week.  I'm gonna stick with my old formula of when the teams look evenly matched go with the one from the stronger division. 

PACKERS -7.5 over 'aints - This will be a blood bath.  Even with the cross country midnight trip on the heels of the prison rape level bad calls the Pack took in Seattle they'll be up for this game.  They'll be up for taking it out on someone. 

Redskins +3 over BUCS - Josh Freeman is not a good quarterback.  I'm 100% convinced of that now.  Schiano will be drafting his QB next year.

Giants +2.5 over EAGLES - The Giants, on the road, as the dog, cannot lose.  I don't know why that is but under Coughlin and Eli it just is.

COWBOYS -3 over Bears - I fully expect some one on Dallas to put Jay Cutler on a stretcher at some point in this game.  Holy shit is that a terrible O-line.

Last week 10-6 (that's right, I'm counting the Packer pick as a W.  For the rest of my life it will be #1 on every list of the worst call of all time)

Overall - 23-23-2









 

Capturing the Moment

A few weekends ago we scattered my Father's ashes.  And then the weekend after that we scattered some more.  There's still a whole lot left over and we've got plans for those too.  Some will be buried,  others moved to the west coast, still more flown to West Virginia, and finally a  smattering will be buried in a undisclosed location so as to not reduce the property value of a lake home.  We are, essentially, drawing and quartering my Dearly Departed Dad.  And we are capturing these moments on film.  These are not solemn moments.  They are irreverent, much like my late namesake.  I don't know how other people scatter ashes but in my family we scatter ashes with a smile.  Below are some photos of the events.  Enjoy.  We did.

From Old Town it's only a short 45 minute ride to the coast and Dad didn't seem to mind riding in the way back of the Scion to get there.

He was happy to get out of the car and take in the fresh ocean air at one of his favorite spots in Acadia National Park.  The Fabbri Lookout.  Dad loves US History, especially when it involves an Italian that's smart enough to sit through a war by listening to the radio while sitting near an amazing view.  Yet another story of heroic Italians involved in military history.  No word as to if Alessandro Fabbri was good with a switch blade, odds are yes. 

 

From there we headed to the cove. It was a mildly overcast day, exactly the kind of weather Dad loved on the coast of Maine.  He asked for a quick shot before heading down to the rocks below for the official scattering.

 

It was just a hop skip and a jump down to the rocks below (Dad's surprisingly light on his feet since his passing) and once again he insisted on some pics to remember the event by.  Here's one with him in a very dramatic, introspective pose.

After a bit of convincing I did get him to turn around and give a smile before launch.

The next weekend we were off to the Summer camp my family spent so many years working and volunteering at.  Once again, Dad wanted so shots with some of his favorite spots before he said goodbye.  I didn't have the heart to tell him the fireplace wasn't lit.



On the boat dock Dad was thrilled to meet President Obama and insisted on having a photo taken with him.

 And then one on his lap. 

Finally, I captured him in a quiet reflective moment before getting unceremoniously tossed into the lake. 

There will be other scattering to come and, of course, more photos.  Because my Mother, Sister and I all agree - that's the way he would have wanted it. 

Love you, Dad.  Miss you every day.

NFL Week 3 and a VEGAS WEEKEND!

For the first time since 2008 I'll be in Las Vegas during football season.  Over the last four years I've been to Vegas probably a dozen times but for some reason never during Fall.  As you can imagine, I'm pretty excited.  I've got visions of scenes from that terrible movie 21 running through my head.  Getting comped with the high rollers suite, breaking the banks of casinos with my fool proof wagering,  hanging out with Kevin Spacey, getting chased by a bloated Lawrence Fishburn.  Eventually coming to my senses and realizing that Kate Bosworth's soft spoken acting technique is just a trick to cover up the fact she's incredibly boring (and kind of a butter face).  Oh, what a trip this will be.  Plus, I'll be reunited with The General and his wild drunken gambling.  I fully expect to be asked to leave at least one sports book.  A good time will be had by all.

Here's this week Red Hot Stone Cold Shoe In Locks!
(and by the way, I picked the G-men +3 last night on facebook while at the airport yesterday.  I'd have put it up on the blog but I couldn't access it from my "smart"phone.  You'll just have to trust me.  And fuck that stupid fuckin phone)

BEARS -7 over Rams - The Ram's look halfway decent under Jeff Fisher but I have a feeling the Bears are looking to dish out a beating after last weeks laugher in Green Bay.  My guess is the media is making way too much out of Jay Cutler's sulking and the team hasn't abandoned him in favor Jason Campbell.

Bills -2.5 over BROWNS - The Browns are better than their record.  I'm certain of it.  And I'm also certain they'll fall to 0-3 and be Way Better than their record next week.

COWBOYS -7.5 over Bucs - Let's start by saying I love Greg Schiano.  He will absolutely turn the Bucs into a contender.  That being said, the Cowboys have a whole lot of weapons and they tend to light it up at home.  Eventually Schiano will own Little Opie Cunningham when it comes to NFL Coaching ability but right now his squads over matched.

Lions -3.5 over TITANS - The Titans simply can't score.  The Lions can score as easily as a C-level celebrity returning for a class reunion.  Throw in Chris Johnson tossing his O-line under the bus this week by complaining about his blocking and you've got a potential blow out on your hands.

COLTS -3 over Jags - I'm off the Blaine Gabbert bandwagon after just one week.  That may be my shortest bandwagon ride of all time.  The Andrew Luck bandwagon ride starts now!

Chiefs +10 over SAINTS - The Saints D is awful.  Terrible.  Can't stop anybody.  The Chiefs can't really stop anybody either but believe it or not their defensive numbers are better than the Saints.  Based on that completely weak reason and that reason alone I'll take Romeo Crannel on the road. Yikes.

CARDS +3.5 over Eagles - The Eagles might be the worst 2-0 team of all time.  Followed closely by the 2-0 Cards.  This may also be one of the worst meeting of undefeated teams.  This is a trap game for the Eagles with a big game next weekend and a cross country road trip so - and I can't believe I'm saying this - I'm betting on Kevin Kolb! 

Bengals +3 over SKINS - I'll be avoiding this game while in LV.  I really have no idea which side to go on this game so I'm going with the team that I feel is from the stronger division.  The Bengals are scrappy and with four games a year against the Ravens and Steelers they know how to get nasty.

VIKES +7.5 over Niners - On a neutral field or in San Fran this would be a Niners pick hands down.  But I still like Christian Ponder and I think the Vikings can be surprisingly tough at home. 

Jets pick'em over DOLPHINS - I'm shocked by this line.  I don't think much of the Jets but apparently Vegas thinks even less of them.  Maybe I'm missing something but I don't see how a W over an under performing Raiders team is worth so much more than an expected loss to a Steelers team.  Has Tebow been named the starter and I missed it?

Falcons +3 over CHARGERS - I don't care how many times the pick blows up in my face I WILL NEVER PICK Norv Turner against legitimate playoff teams.  I don't care if it's at home against a squad coming off the classic Monday Night Hangover.

Texans -1 over BRONCOS - The Broncos D is for real.  Their O?  I don't know if Manning just had a bad game or if the Falcons exposed a real problem in his post four neck surgeries passing ability.  He looked like the same old Manning against the Steelers.  So maybe it was the dome and the Falcons home crowd?  Hard to know.   

Steelers -3.5 over RAIDERS - I'm not too thrilled with the Steelers these days.  Little to no run game, a shaky offensive line, a D that no longer dominates the line of scrimmage.  This team is worse off than I thought before the season began.  That being said, they are way way way better than the Raiders. 

RAVENS -1 over Patriots - This is another BAFFLING line.  How are the Ravens only giving up one point?  They was robbed by the refs against Philly last week.  They're playing a team they should have beaten in the AFC Championship last year.  The Pats are banged up with limited offensive weapons.  This game looks like a pummeling to me.  Heavy action in Vegas for me on this one.

Packers -3 over SEAHAWKS - A friend of mine is pissed at me because I don't think his favorite team, the Seahawks, is any good.  So this one's for you, Hanson: if the Seahawks win this game (not just cover but actually win) I'll pick them for the rest of the year.  No matter how stupid it makes me feel or what it does to my weekly wins total.  I'll even stop saying how bad a coach Pete Carroll is.  That's how confident I am about the Packers in this game. 
 

NFL WEEK 2

Today my Mom, Sister and I make another trip with our dearly departed Dad to spread some ashes at one of his favorite places on earth.  I'll eventually provide you with a photo essay of the various trips and burials (or rather sprinklings) but right now I need to turn around my dismal first week of NFL prognostications. 

I'm off to a halfway decent start this week with a second half cover by the Bears in the Thursday nighter after missing a chance to post my pick before kick-off.  In the hopes of keeping that one half win streak alive - here's my NFL Week Two picks.

BILLS -3 over Chiefs - This is a head scratcher game.  On one hand, I really don't care at all about the outcome of what I'm sure will be a horrible three hours of professional football.  On the other hand I feel at least a little bit of pride in my pre-season predictions and the Bills were a team I was high on two weeks ago.  So, I'm going with the age old axiom of home team and 3 or less points when all else is equal.  Sure, that sounds about right.

BENGALS -7 over Browns - The Bengals played head to head with the Ravens up until the point that they didn't.  And then it was all over because it was almost like they entire Cincy team looked at each other, shrugged and then gave up.  They won't do that again.  This is a solid team with good talent on both sides of the ball.  They romp on Cleveland in an effort to get their manhood back after bending over so easily in the second half against Baltimore.

GIANTS -7 over Bucs - Same basic premise for the Giants as listed above.  They looked foolish at times against Dallas.  They're too well coached and they've got too much pride to have it happen twice.  I almost feel bad for Tampa and the beating that awaits.

Vikings -1.5 over COLTS - I said it last year and I'll say it again this year - Christian Ponder has skillz.  Real deal, QB skillz.  Throw in a halfway decent pass rush, a surprisingly spry Adrian Peterson and some potential big play WR's and the Vikes could be a surprise team.  At the very least they should beat the Colts and start the season 2-0!

Oakland -1 over DOLPHINS - I always find it an outrageous advantage for the home team when a West Coast teams has to play a 1pm EST game.  It strikes me as something the Players union or the owners would have tried to eliminate a long time ago but we've got two of these games this week and plenty more to come this season.  Even with that advantage - the Dolphins are 100% awful.  Just really a terrible excuse for a pro football team.  And if you are reading this for anything other than entertainment purposes - tease Oakland with the under.

PATS -13.5 over Cards - Another West Coast (or in this case time zone) vs. East Coast 1pm-er.  Plus Kevin Kolb is involved. How is this line not 21?

Ravens +3 over EAGLES - I'd like to thank Tedy Bruschi and the rest of the ESPN analysts for the all new "don't be a hero" theories to explain why Mike Vick tends to stink.  Is that it?  That he's trying to hard to be a hero?  And all this time I thought it was because he'd never bothered to learn how to read coverages.  But the hero thing... yeah, now it all makes sense.

Saints -2.5 over PANTHERS - I'm not willing to believe the Saints are as bad as they looked last week.  They may very well be as bad as they looked but I'm not ready to accept it yet.  So, against a Carolina team that might be even worse than I predicted two weeks ago, I'll gladly give up less than a field goal.

JAGS +8 over Texans - If it were less than a touchdown then I'm all over the Texans but... am I crazy or did Blaine Gabbert look half-way competent last week?  Maybe even a little like a guy that deserved to be drafted in the first round a year ago?  Am I crazy?  I think the Jags can not only cover but possibly pull out the upset.

Skins -3.5 over RAMS - Even though Jeff Fisher just was awarded some kind of mustache prize I don't think it will be enough for a St. Louis team that's already all banged up just two weeks into the season.  Also - damn RGIII is good! Got a feeling he'll keep looking good this week against an iffy D.

Cowboys -3 over SEAHAWKS - Every one is talking about this being a trap game for Dallas but for some reason no one is talking about how abysmal of a coach Pete Carroll is.  I mean, holy shit! How do you lose to Kevin Kolb when you get four (4) timeouts in the final minutes of the game.  Fuckin FOUR Time Outs! And not one mattered. Whatever home field advantage Seattle gets with their crowd is automatically negated by their knucklehead of a coach.

STEELERS -5 over Jets - See my Bengals and Giants pick.  Too tough of a squad with too much pride to roll over two week in a row.  The Steelers had a real shot against Denver but let it fall apart in the fourth quarter, they won't forget that this Sunday against a far less talented team in New York.

Titans +7 over CHARGERS - Despite winning last week, the Chargers looked really blah.  They should have clubbed the Raiders and they only managed to score one touchdown off of something like 4 turnovers.  If the Raiders hadn't lost their long snapper I don't think the Chargers would have won the game.  Think about that - they got the W because of Oakland's long snapper getting injured.  That's not going to happen again.  The Titans aren't that great but they're as good as the Raiders and as far as I know they've got a healthy long snapper.  Maybe even two.

NINERS -7 over Lions - The Niners are nasty! Like, punch you in the face, knock you on the grown and step on your throat nasty.  If they didn't have Alex Smith as their QB I'd say they are the best all around team in the league.  But they do.  So they aren't.  They are, however, nasty enough to beat a Lions team out of their dome.

FALCONS -3 over Broncos - This game could very easily be played again at the Super Bowl in February.  Both teams are loaded and playing great. I'll go with the Falcons simply because they're at home and it's only three points.








 

Thursday Night Football (halftime) Pick

Okay, so I totally screwed up and failed to post my pick for tonights Bears v Packers game.  My bad, I spent most of the day writing a script that will one day provide me with union membership and solid healthcare benefits. 

Here's my halftime bet based on a line I found on bovada.com.  I like the Bears +1.5 over the Pack in the second half. 

The weekends picks will be up tomorrow evening.

Last week - 6-9-1

NFL WEEK ONE (SUPER) PICKS!

On the one year anniversary of the passing of my Father I will squeeze in a quick round of NFL picks before heading off with my Mother and Sister to spread some ashes Big Lebowski Style.

And no, we have no permits.  We don't need no stinking permits.

BEARS -9.5 over Colts - If Andrew Luck could also play defense I'd take the points but he can't so I'm fully expecting the Colts to get stomped by the Bears offense.

Eagles -8 over BROWNS - I predict the high point for Cleveland fans today will be the chance to BOO the legacy of Art Modell.  Oh, wait, the NFL's decided to not bother a single second of acknowledgement of his contribution to the city and the league because they expect a poor reaction.  Stay classy, Cleveland.

Bills +3 over JETS - The Bills looks strong, the Jets can't score. The Rex Ryan Eventual Unemployment Watch begins today.

SAINTS -7 over Skins - Unless, by chance, in a stunning move of juvenile power positioning, Roger Goodell decides to suspend the entire Saints D because they won't stop making funny faces at him!

Patriots -5.5 over TITANS - Jake Locker's first start of the new season and he's not even getting Six Points!  Vegas has far more faith in him than I do.

VIKINGS -3 over Jags - Even more amazing Blaine Gabbert on the road and Vegas only gives him 3?  They must really not like Christian Ponder.

TEXANS -13 over Dolphins - This line could be 20 and I'd still be laying the points.  The Dolphins look BAD.  FYI - this line started at 6.5 - it literally doubled over the week.  Absolutely no one believes in the Dolphins.

LIONS -9 over Rams - I like the chances for the Rams this year but not on the road, in Detroit on opening day. 

NINERS +5.5 over Packers - Call me crazy but I can't envision Green Bay pulling off another year of zero D, very little running game and throwing the ball fifty times a game and dominate.  Especially against a team with a great D and a power run game.  Also, Lions + Niners = Great teaser bet.

Falcons +2.5 over CHIEFS - I cannot believe this line! Atlanta looks like one of the best teams in the league.  What's KC gonna be? Second in the West? 

Panthers -1 over BUCS - I'm no Ron Rivera fan but I'm no fool either.  This seems like an impossibly low line. 

CARDS +3 over Seahawks - I really don't like either one of these teams so I'll take the home team with the points on opening day.  Also, I look forward to the eventual shot of Matt Flynn and Kevin Kolb chatting with each other on the field:  "Can you believe how much money they wasted on our mediocre talent?"  "I know, it's crazy right!"

Steelers +2 over BRONCOS - I expect the Steelers to come in with a chip on their shoulder over how they went out in the playoffs last year.

Bengals +8.5 over RAVENS - I'm torn on this game.  The Ravens have a big emotional lift with Modell's passing but the Bengals strike me as a team with very real potential this year.  If the spread were two points lower, I'd go the other direction.

RAIDERS pick'em over Chargers - Much like Rex Ryan, the Norv Turner Eventual Unemployment Watch begins on Monday.

So far this week, 0-1.







 

NFL PREVIEW - YOU'RE WELCOME

The 2012 NFL Season begins in just 8 hours as a begin to write this, which I'd like to think makes my NFL Preview article the most last minute of them all. Not having an editor on my ass or getting paid to write these may have something to do with it but also, to be fair, I have been really busy laying pool side in Palm Springs. So, with time time crunch as an issue, here we go.

AFC

EAST

PATRIOTS – 14-2. Yet another year with a total patsy schedule for the NFL's Golden Boy. Is David Stern running the league now? I say they wind up with a number one spot then lose in the second round to a team that had to actually prove themselves during the season.

 

BILLS – 10-6. Buffalo fans welcome to a wild card spot and a loss in the first round! Remember what it feels like to be a relevant team?  You're back!  You've got play makers at wide receiver and running back, you've got a pass rush, your QB is spotty but he can lead you to a very respectable season. Chan Gailey might even be a solid coach... okay, let's not go crazy.

 

JETS – 6-10 at best. This team is horrible. Hard to win games when you can't score points. Sexy Rexy's last season as an HC for a while. Also, Mark Sanchez punches Tim Tebow in the face at some point during the season. Tebow turns the other cheek. Conservative Christians everywhere pee their collective pants over the story.

DOLPHINS – 3-13. Hard Knocks is an amazing show. I really hope they give a 13 episode show to the Dolphins coaching staff. It doesn't even have to involve the football season. I'd love to see Joe Philbin sending food back at a restaurant. “It's nothing you did, it's just not working out for the both of us.” Also, the meathead TE's coach, Dan Campbell, is a comedic genius, only he's not trying to be funny. On the plus side Ryan Tannehill will be a very good QB eventually.

NORTH
RAVENS – 11-5. I have nothing to say about these thugs other than I bet they beat puppies.

STEELERS – 11-5. Aging. Slowly but surely letting a great O's potential get eclipsed by a D that no longer has the horses. As a fan, it's hard to watch.

BENGALS – 9-7. A team on the come. As I predicted last year, the Red Rocket is a real deal NFL QB. Not flashy, not a guy with a giant arm but smart, efficient and crafty enough to make all the right throws. Like a Ginger Joe Montana. I'm not saying he'll have that kind of career but I am saying he sure looks like the same kind of talent.

BROWNS – 5-11. I feel for Cleveland fans. For one, they are apparently unaware that they can move away from Cleveland. And two, the Browns used to be a cornerstone franchise in the league. I know that's hard to believe for anyone under the age of twenty-seven but it's true. Three, they are now owned by a Steelers fan!

SOUTH

TEXANS – 12-4. Remember a few years back when the AFC South was one of the best divisions in football. Look at them now. The Texans can walk into a playoff spot thanks to the three absolutely terrible teams they get to play twice a season. I don't even think this team is that good but when you get damn near six games off in a seventeen week season you don't have to do that much.

TITANS – 8-8. Second because there has to be a second place and for no other reason. I'm not sold on Locker as a QB, on Chris Johnson being anything other than a couple year flash in the pan and on Mike Munchak as a successful head coach. Too many question marks to make them look like anything but an ordinary team.

 

COLTS – 6-10. The good news, Andrew Luck looks incredible. The bad news, the rest of the 53 man roster looks pathetic and I see no evidence that Chuck Pagano can coach them up.

JAGUARS – 4-12. The metaphorical train that new owner Khan keeps referring to is literally headed for Los Angeles in 2015.

WEST

BRONCOS – 12-4. If a team with Tim Tebow at the helm can not only make the playoffs but beat the Steelers than that nearly same team with Manning at the controls is a shoe-in for the number two seed in the post-season. This team goes far.

RAIDERS – 10-6. I'm predicting a rock solid year for Oakland. This team is fast, tough and under new coach and late night talk show pioneer Steve (make that Dennis) Allen, hopefully, a little more disciplined. Plus they get to play against Norv Turner and Romeo Crennel twice a year and that never hurt anybody.

CHIEFS – 9-7. Solid talent with poor coaching always equals a below average team. I'm predicting a number of losses in close games. That's indicative of two things, poor adjustments (coaching) and poor conditioning (also coaching). Lucky for Romeo, he's not the worst coach in the West.

CHARGERS – 7-9. Good bye, Norv and good luck at whatever other occupation you dedicate your mediocre talents too. Thanks for wasting Rivers best years with your terrible influence.

NFC

EAST

EAGLES – 12-4. A great regular season followed by a poor showing in the playoffs. So basically a repeat of almost every year Andy Reid has been the coach there. But he'll lose his job after this one. Oh, and as an added bonus the new coach in 2013 won't know what the hell to do with Mike Vick, eventually making him the most expensive backup in the history of the NFL.

GIANTS – 10-6. They'll do just enough to get a wild card seed and then dominate in the playoffs. Loaded D, great coaching, excellent QB play, basically stacked from top to bottom. The NY Giants have a real chance to repeat this year.

COWBOYS – 9-7. Ordinary. Unexceptional. Lifeless. Basically, Jason Garrett in a nutshell.

REDSKINS – 7-9. RGIII is bona fide. Mike Shannahan was an excellent coach a one point in his life, their D is stout but I just don't see a lot of play makers on the edges. They'll be a tough opponent but ultimately a below average team when all is said and done.

NORTH

LIONS – 13-3. I could be out of my mind but this team reminds me of the Dallas Cowboys of the early 90's. Lots of swagger. Big time play makers. A dominate d-line. A hothead coach with a big chip on his shoulder. Checks all the boxes. I'm not 100% on this but I feel pretty strongly about it. I say they become everyone's bandwagon pick by about week 9 but then blow it in the playoffs. Look out for them in 2013.

BEARS - 10-6. I still don't know what to make of Jay Cutler, Lovie Smith or Brian Urlacher. When you've got question marks about your three most basic pillars of a team then you just aren't a truly great team. I do look forward to the crazy of Brandon Marshall.

PACKERS – 10-6. Lot's of O and not enough D. Not nearly enough D. They will have big big trouble against equally prolific offenses.

VIKINGS – 5-11. No one comes back the same from an ACL injury. Not even someone as gifted a Adrian Peterson so that really only leaves a spotty Christian Ponder and the plodding Toby Gerhart as the offensive bright spot for the Vikes. Their D may keep them in some games but they just don't have the horses to compete week to week.

SOUTH

FALCONS – 14-2. Loaded. Just absolutely stacked on offense. I don't see anyone keeping them out of the end zone on a regular basis. So then it comes to the question – Is Mike Smith a good coach or is he Mike Tice 2.0. I'm leaning toward MT2.0 but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

SAINTS – 9-7. They must of had the worst possible off season in the history of all of professional sports but they are still a incredibly talented team. If they had a real head coach and a little less drama they'd be the odds on favorite for the Super Bowl. But they don't.

PANTHERS – 7-9. I'm still not sold on Cam Newton and I'm probably one of the last hold outs. Besides being really really big he just doesn't look like the kind of quarterbacks that consistently succeed in the league. He may put up big numbers but so did Jeff George. Throwing a great long ball will only get you so far. I predict the better D-Coordinators figure him out this year and a sophomore slump turns into an eventual career trend. Also, Ron Rivera is still their HC. Never a good sign.

BUCS – 2-14. I have little to no opinion of this team. I want to like Josh Freeman but I'm completely unconvinced that he will make it as a big-time starter. It looks like Schiano's a no-nonsense coach that's going to clean house and that means at least one pretty terrible season maybe next years as well.

WEST

49ERS – 13-3. It always helps to have three terrible teams on your schedule twice a year. To be fair I do think the Niners are a rock solid team. I'm still not convinced that Alex Smith is able to make the big plays down the stretch but they have put the talent around him to at least give him a chance. Throw in an outstanding D, a strong running game and smart coaching and you've got a possible Super Bowl squad. Possible but not likely.

RAMS – 7-9. The following three picks are in order of Head Coaching Ability and QB talent. I know those shouldn't be the only reasons to pick teams but hey, these aren't the best teams. Jeff Fisher is a marginally better coach than Ken Whisenhunt and he's ten times the coach Pete Carroll is. On top of that both the Cards and Seahawks would kill to have the fragile Sam Bradford on their depth chart. So it's the Rams by default in a terrible, awful, ugly division.

SEAHAWKS – 6-10. Good Bye, Peter Clay Carroll and good luck at your upcoming mid-level D-1 football job. I'd recommend the Sun Belt conference, low academic standards, close to big time SEC schools and they'll probably look the other way on your repeated recruiting violations. I am looking forward to Russell Wilson putting on his Flutie mullet and doing a passable impersonation of the Natick Night Train (I just made that nickname up) for the better part of the season.

CARDINALS – 4-12. I love how all the sports outlets have reported on the QB “battle” going on in Arizona between Skelton and Kolb. It's not a battle it's a game of hot potato. “You take it. No, you take it. No, it's yours I insist. No, no this ones all you.” These guys can't get out of their own way. It's almost seems impossible the Cards were in the Super Bowl just a few years ago.

SUPER BOWL – RAVENS v. FALCONS. Ravens win it (probably by cheating).

 

Tonight's game - GIANTS -4 over Cowboys

A Very Mature Decision

So this weekend's wine getaway has been canceled in exchange for a much needed new refrigerator – my first new fridge in since, well, ever. This is also The Lovely Girlfriend's first ever brand new refrigerator. I believe this somehow makes us an official grown-up couple. Some would say it's a wedding. We've both been married before and yet neither of us ever managed to buy a brand new fridge so I'll argue this is a far more important step.

Our old fridge had previously been my outdoor beer fridge in North Hollywood. I paid fifty bucks for it at the end of a film shoot. It was at least a decade old when I got it. It kept anything in it icy cold and never got that awful ice build up that old freezers tend to get. It's demise came in the form of a broken hinge. I'm sure with searching parts are available for it somewhere. However, since the name brand, make and model had all worn off the various parts of the fridge it would have taken a little more effort than I was willing to put in on a three year old fifty dollar purchase.

So I went on craigslist. The land of call girls, roommate scams and job postings that have been flagged by assholes that already applied and didn't want anyone else to get the chance. Found a relatively new fridge for free. The girl warned me that the door didn't always close shut without some help but otherwise it was tip top. I took it home and plugged it in. In the week since no dairy product has made it longer than twenty four hours inside the fridge. Either it broke in transit, the chick was lactose intolerant so there never was any dairy in the fridge to being with or she liked her milk chunky. So after a week of the free fridge we determined a change had to be made. We've got two weeks until the new one gets delivered. That's two weeks without half and half for our coffee. Our Starbucks runs have increased dramatically.

On top of all of this, our decision not to take a weekend getaway was a fiscally responsible one! Yeah, we are officially an adult couple now. It's just a matter of time before I dress in St. John's Bay clothing from JC Penny's and the LG starts scrap booking. Ah, just think of how mechanical and infrequent the sex will become!

Drink Up!

Somewhere around the age of thirty-two I started getting hangovers. Terrible, crippling hangovers. It didn't matter if I had one drink or one hundred. If I drank it became a total crap shoot. I could be fine or I could be so sick I could barely make it out of bed. My tolerance completely disappeared, my nearly two decades of seasoning myself with strong drink evaporated seemingly over night. To my credit this did not stop me from drinking.

Also, around that time, I started to have trouble sleeping flat on my back. Having slept that way most of my life suddenly I started to feel as if I was not getting enough oxygen while on my back. I chalked it up to a recent weight gain as I was on the down side of my yo-yo dieting (or maybe it's upside, either way I was fat at the time). On their own these two physical changes don't mean much. Everybody reaches a point where they can't whip it on like they did in their prime. Not everybody blows up to the point their own body weight is suffocating them but, hey - fuck you, skinny.

What makes this an important discovery is I now believe they are/were connected to me having cancer. Thanks to the prednisone I was on while undergoing chemo I'm a fatty boomba-latty now and while it took some getting used to after six years away from it, I can once again sleep soundly on my back. Like a beached fuckin whale. Also, after undergoing six months of treatments that broke down my immune system and generally made me feel like complete shit, I'm back to enjoying a drink without worrying how I'll feel in the morning. I can once again drink irresponsibly without repercussions! Physical that is. Legal repercussions can still rear their ugly head on occasion. You'd be surprised how little interest police have in celebrating with cancer survivors. Even after informing them the reason for being pantless on a roof is your first “all clear” three month check-up. If it had been my own roof maybe it wouldn't have been as big of a problem. We'll never know. Until next time that is.

This leads me to one conclusion. I think I've figured out around when it was I first got cancer. One of the early symptoms of Hodgkin's Lymphoma is a strong/bad reaction to alcohol. I assumed this referred to how I reacted to the actual drinking of alcohol not the after effects but now I'm thinking otherwise. On top of that, wouldn't it stand to reason I was having trouble breathing while laying on my back due to the massive cancer filled lymph gland in the middle of my chest that pushed against my lungs when I laid flat? It makes sense to me. When I told my Oncologist about my recent findings he looked at me sceptically and then had the gall to question my medical training! So I put it to you, blog readers. Has anyone else had similar issues before their diagnosis only to see them disappear once treatment was over? Or am I the only one foolish enough to attempt a return to imbibing like a college student. Perhaps with a larger sampling my Oncologist will give me the credit I'm due for this remarkable discovery.

The Wino and I Know

It occurred to me that I have yet to provide reviews for the last two wine country trips that the Lovely Girlfriend and I have gone on over the last few months. With another trip just eight days away I've decided to condense the two trips into one post as they are both kind of a blur anyway. I know there is a significant portion of my readers that couldn't care less about our hoity-toity wine tastings and subsequent reviews. I understand if you stop reading now. I also understand that you're a mouth breathing Philistine with about as much culture as a backyard wrestling video. But by all means, don't feel obligated to actually learn something that could add a bit of class to your otherwise strip-mall existence. Go back to your big gulp and Cheetos and let us adults talk. We'll nudge you when we get to a topic you can contribute to, like taco farts or late night skin-o-max programming. Okay, now that their gone, let's get down to brass tacks. The LG and I have been sucking down some pretty amazing grape juice lately. Our last two trips yielded at least three of the most spectacular wines (and vineyards) that we've ever tried. At the risk of exposing these wineries to a larger audience (an audience of dozens at last count) that whittles down their supply while driving up their prices, I cannot keep my big mouth (gaping yaw, really) shut about them no matter the personal cost. These private little gold strikes have to be shared with fellow wine lovers around the world. Again, the couple dozen of you that read this on a semi-regular basis – some as far away as Norway!!

Let's start with Sarzotti Vineyards in Templeton. Make this an early stop on your next tour of Paso and don't plan on leaving until closing time. This place is run by two of the nicest, most interesting people you will ever have the good fortune to meet. The Sarzotti's treat everyone that steps into their tasting room like family. And good, close family too. Not like your sweaty, drunk uncle that nobody wants to sit next to because he smells like gym socks even though you know he hasn't seen the inside of a gym in at least a decade and hasn't worn socks with his boat shoes for nearly as long. No, these folks either don't have those kind of family members or are too sweet to notice when one like them shows up. The LG and I got there around 1pm and spent a solid two hours plus tasting. The Barrel Reserve Cab's (both an 06 and an 07) were the absolute stand outs but in all seriousness there was not a bad sip in the bunch. They've got a 07 Syrah that will blow your mind, hell, even their table wine (aptly named Vin Tavola) is out of this world. We took the guided tour, got a blow by blow from the winemaker as to how and why he makes the wines he does, even got a couple of tastes from two vats of Cab that won't be out until the end of this year – just spectacular. Go. Go. Go. Then send me a picture to let me know you did and how right I was.

Bedford Winery in Los Alamos is an absolute, hands down, don't care how long it takes to get there even if it's out of the way, stop on any wine tour. Possibly the best part of the Bedford tasting experience was when the owner, Stephan, greeted us with a “What do you want? Don't you know it's too early for this shit?” look then a grunt in response to our asking if he was in fact open or if he'd just forgotten to close and lock the door. Normally, that would have put us off for the rest of the tasting but as it turns out Stephan Bedford is a treasure trove of wine-making and local knowledge. Once we got past his gruff exterior we found ourselves in a veritable viticulture 101 class in the middle of his tasting room. I can't blame him really, it was 10am on a Sunday afternoon. A time for repentance not revelry. Plus my recollection is the LG said something to the effect of “I'm not driving, what do I care, let's get hammered.” It also didn't hurt that everything he poured us was delicious. I can highly recommend the 07 Archive Syrah as well as the 08 Arroyo Grande Pinot but really it's all so good it will make it nearly impossible to choose. Also, and it kills me to say this because I just know someone out there will wind up buying the last case before we can – the 2000 and 2001 Cabernet Franc's are some of the most stupendous wines my giant tongue has ever been lucky enough to have splash across it. Yet another reason to stop here, they sell library wines at half off the case! Incredible. And if any of you snag the last case I swear I'll hunt you down, crash on your couch and drink it all with you one weekend.

Finally, Star Lane Dierberg Vineyards. Wow. Just... WOW. Simply stupendous wines from top to bottom. Wine so good that the everyday supermarket wine they make under the label Three Saints we recently passed off as high end gourmet vino at a party. It's tough to say which of their wines we were most impressed with, probably the Star Lane Merlot but their Dierberg Pinot and the Estate Blend were in a close tie for second. My only criticism of this winery (and it's hardly a criticism) is that they strike me as so high end that I almost feel uncomfortable drinking them. Just as I wouldn't feel natural behind the wheel of a Benz (unless it was about thirty years old and a diesel), I feel like the Star Lane Dierberg wines that we brought home are almost too precious to handle. They weren't terribly expensive – mostly because I didn't buy them, the LG did – the tasting room wasn't uber-fancy and the staff certainly didn't come off with that obnoxious I-just-got-my-sommelier certification attitude but there is just something about the wine that makes me feel like it needs to be coddled. I'm sure I'll get past it shortly into my second glass but it's worth mentioning simply because I'm not a fancy guy and this wine feels fancy.

Okay. That's it for Part I of our wine trip. Part II to come shortly.

DIY Matchmaking

Having been in a committed, loving relationship for three years and counting it is not often that I find myself thinking “damn, this is a great place to meet girls.” As a matter of fact, it's probably been three years and counting since I've had that thought – I swear, Darlin. A few days ago that exact thought passed through my brain and I feel compelled to share it with all my devoted, single male readers. All eleven of you. Are you ready to have your mind blown? You can thank me for this early Christmas present after you've found your new girlfriend at this completely untapped babe hang-out.

Two words, one of them hyphenated. So, maybe it's three words. I don't know. I'm no English major but if you've been a regular reader you already know that. Okay, okay, two and a half words - Jo-Ann's Fabrics. FUCKIN BOOM! Did I just blow your mind? Cause it blew my mind when it happened to me. Jo-Ann's Freakin Fabrics. It is a hot bed of hot ladies. And every one of them is tickled pink to see a masculine fella shopping for bolts. You'd get less attention if you walked into an empty peeler club during the day shift with a wad of hundos. I was immediately under a barrage of women that wanted to know if I needed any help – almost none of them were actual employees of Jo-Ann's. What was I looking for? What did I need? Yeah, sure, it was my fabric needs and my color choice wants that they were so interested in attending to. After I informed them that I was trying to figure out how to darken the curtains in my bedroom so my Lovely Girlfriend and I could sleep in on the weekends they relented on the full court press for male attention but not before one of them threw herself to my feet and exclaimed “She can't give you the carnal pleasures that I can.” Alright, that last moment may not have actually happened. They all then commented on how sweet I was, what a wonderful boyfriend I must be and that I was probably a kind and generous lover. Okay, again, the last of those statements didn't occur. But in all seriousness, my mere presence in this fabric store was like cat-nip to these girls. They wanted to know every aspect of my proposed project plans for the bedroom curtains as well as everything about the LG and I's relationship. Either I came across a clandestine meeting of a lonely hearts club or fabric stores are some kind of magical doorway to available attractive women in the Los Angeles area.

Here's where an asterisk comes. Is Jo-Ann's Fabrics a great place to meet girls anywhere in the country or is this one of those Los Angeles phenomenons, like how a Ten from the Heartlands becomes a Six at the Nightclub because everyone here is ridiculously good looking? Are there attractive single women making their own clothes all across this country or is it just a LA thing? I don't know. I could not tell you if and when I was in a fabric store prior to last Thursday. My money would be on this being an Southern California Exception. I would expect most arts and craft stores to be filled with crazy cat ladies and women with large collection of Cabbage Patch Kids that they treat them like real children. So, if you are a male reader anywhere else in the country this post probably doesn't help you. If you are single, male and in LA (I think I've narrowed this post audience down to about three now) you need to stop by Jo-Ann's on Lincoln Blvd in Santa Monica. You don't even need to be in the market for any of that squirrelly arts and crafts nonsense just make sure you've got a good story about what you want, what you need and what you're looking for. I'm sure an available lady will be more than happy to help you with the rest.

Climb Every Mountain

If you've ever tried running up hill with a plastic bag over your head then you would understand what it's like to drive with a badly clogged catalytic converter. At least that's what I thought was wrong with my truck when I tried to summit the Rocky Mountain Pass on my way across country. Also, I didn't have my vision obscured by a plastic bag, that would be dangerous. I was talking on my cell phone for a lot of the drive but since I'm not an idiot that was perfectly safe. I get the whole no text messaging while driving. It makes sense, you shouldn't try to write a note or read the paper while driving either so be it hard copy or digital it's best to avoid dropping your head into your lap while zooming along at 75. But the whole no talking on the phone thing is just a load of bullshit. If the person on the other end of the line was in the vehicle with me, I could have that conversation without worrying about being pulled over. So what if it happens on my cell? Oh, right, hands free, that's why. Because police are constantly stopping motorists for not utilizing the 10&2 hand positioning on the steering wheel. I rarely drive with two hands on the wheel. How would I hold my beer? Excuse me, I mean my road soda. No, we're all not allowed to talk on the phone while driving due to the terrible drivers who shouldn't have been on the road to begin with that wound up with a phone in their hands while in the accidents they were destined to be in because they drove like shit to begin with. If that made any sense.

It wasn't the cell phone conversation that made me a danger the day I drove across the Rocky's. No, it was the fact that I couldn't get up to a speed greater than 25mph while traffic was cruising by me at around 65. Fully loaded eighteen wheelers were passing me on the upside of steep inclines blaring on their horns as they rumbled by. At one point we had lost so much forward momentum I was afraid we would start rolling backwards. Eleven thousand feet and change is no place for a pick-up with air flow problems. I would not have even attempted the drive had I known just how bad the problem would become at elevation. On our drive across country up to that point their had been a few moments that the engine did not respond to the gas pedal, through the hills of PA and again while driving across the flatland’s of Kansas but on both occasions the recovery that resulted from a new tank of gas and a bottle of fuel injector cleaner convinced SugarDust and I that we had been the victim of bad gas. As it turned out I would be the victim of bad gas a number of times during the trip. Once SugarDust started hitting the sauce he really let them fly. I can't blame him entirely, when you are crippled by a hangover on each days drive and constantly fighting the urge to vomit it's tough to hold it in on both ends. To his credit, as annihilated as he would get the night before he never missed the 5am and 6am call times to mount up and hit the road. SugarDust always took the first shift behind the wheel (he said it helped him sober up) and I got a little shut eye. I'm assuming he was telling the truth as I never once woke up in the middle of a car accident. Kidding, kidding. I never let him anywhere near the drivers seat, morning, noon or night.

Anyway, we made the climb. Slowly. Very fucking slowly. Pull your hair out, convinced you're about to be rear-ended by a Maximum Overdrive long-hauler, slowly. At the Continental Divide I knew we had made it. It was, quite literally, all down hill from here. I tried to get SugarDust to take a leak with me on the Divide so half our urine would wind up in the Pacific and half in the Atlantic. He said he was far to dehydrated to produce any on demand and was concerned that we may never get out of the Rocky's if we stopped now. We crested the Divide, passed through the Eisenhower tunnel (I could have the order wrong, it has been a couple months since the trip) and let gravity take hold. We had beaten the clogged catalytic converter and we were just two days away from Los Angeles. We were also about ten hours from Las Vegas and a visit that SugarDust was certain to never remember but some lucky dancer would never forget.

Also, as a side note, it wasn't the catalytic converter it was the air mass flow sensor or something like that. Basically, the difference between a two hundred dollar fix and a two thousand dollar fix, in my favor. I will, one day, straight pipe my truck and throw a cherry bomb or a purple hooter on the back so when I rumble by fancy foreign cars and rev the engine their anti-theft systems go crazy. Cause I'm a hillbilly and that's how we do it.

Radio Silence

In case you hadn't noticed and by the lack of website attendance it looks like you hadn't (thanks, Bob Ueker) I shut it down about three weeks ago. It was a brief self-induced hiatus. In the weeks leading up to my first of what I'm sure will be many post treatment check-ups I became convinced that I was going to jinx myself by bragging all about kicking cancer's scrawny ass. I'm not a superstitious person. Far from it. One of my favorite all time phrases is "People say you should not tempt fate, I say fate should not tempt me." Hubris. It's one of my strongest qualities. Bravado aside, I became convinced that I would wind up sitting in my Oncologists office, days after the CT Scan and hearing I had to go through all of this fucking nonsense again. The next logical step, of course, was to convince myself that if I just stopped writing about it then that moment wouldn't happen. I recognize exactly how ridiculous this line of thinking is. Writing can't give you cancer, if that was the case then we would all have been spared the Twilight series.

So I shut it down. Not knowing what to say online or even what to say to the Lovely Girlfriend or anyone else when they asked why no posts lately. Why no posts? Because I'm convinced God will smite me. Doesn't sound like a terribly reasonable response. How would they handle hearing that? Sure, in Biblical times you heard about people getting smitten left and right. It was probably a common conversation around the watering hole.

"Did you hear about Jedediah?"
"Heard he got fired by Caesar."
"Word is it was a smiting. God got all up in there."
"Smote?"
"Smote."
"Shit."

No, far better to keep my crazy to myself. At least until the coast is clear. Last week, I got the three month all clear I was hoping for. No one even mentioned that my neck appeared to be covered in ligature marks from the near constant self examinations I was giving my lymph glands. I realized a few days after the round of visits that I hadn't checked my neck a single time since. As I see it, I've got a solid two and a half months of braggadocio before I start freaking out again. I'm alright with that. I couple weeks of feeling humble and recognizing how little control we all have over our lives never hurt anybody.

But for now... Take that Cancer. I kicked your fucking ass!

A Line in the Sand

I recently caused a scene. This isn't any kind of headline news. I'm well known for my scenes. Sadly, not in the world of acting, just in the world of acting-out. They're really more like spectacles. When my Dad used to cause them I called it a Fatty Freak-Out. I'd call mine Husky Havoc but with a few more months of weight loss maybe Slender Psychosis or (with some additional weight training thrown in) A Well Defined Debacle. My ability to create absurd alliteration aside and in defense of my actions, I was being asked to violate one of my long held life rules. Do not stand in line for anything unless you absolutely have no choice. You'd be amazed by how much free time you wind up with if you live by this rule. Also, you will never ever feel ripped off by whatever it is you receive after you've waited so patiently in line for it. I like to call it the Pink's Hot Dog Rule. For those of you that have never lived or vacationed in Los Angeles Pink's is a well known hot dog stand in Hollywood that typically has lines twenty plus people deep in front of it. Having eaten there once I'm assuming these people are all first time diners at Pinks. Otherwise they would know that waiting in this line for the hot dog that comes in the end is a lot like waiting in line to get kicked in the nuts. The best way to avoid the Pink's Hot Dogs in life is to never get suckered into waiting in the line. I have lived by this rule for as long as I can remember. This rule does come with one small caveat - the people you are dinning, drinking, traveling, vacationing, working or living with also have to live by this rule. And that's where we introduce the Husky Havoc.

The Lovely Girlfriend and I were up in the Bay Area visiting my Eventual In-Laws when we all realized I had never been to the world famous Tonga Room and Hurricane Bar in the Fairmont Hotel. The LG and I are big fans of all things Tiki so this seemed like an obvious place to stop before our dinner in the city. What we didn't know is that even though the bar opens at 5pm they don't just "open the bar." No, they make everyone line up outside and seat groups one at a time. When we arrived it was about 5:15 and there were around a dozen people waiting in line. I was immediately wary of stepping into that line. However the Lovely Girlfriend and the Eventual In-Laws assured me that it would only be a few moments before we were seated. Those assurances were uttered just seconds before the couple waiting in front of us heard from their friend who's been sent to scout out the situation the following "it's a forty-five minute wait and it's empty inside." I immediately tried to leave. The LG and the EIL's either didn't hear the comment or wanted to pretend that they didn't hear it. They continued to insist that we would be seated in a matter of minutes. Finally, after many not so hushed deliberations I walked to the front. Sure enough, this famous tiki bar was all but empty. When I asked how long to get seated I was told that if we were at the back of the line it would take about an hour. Well lucky for us we were not at the back of the line! We were two whole groups removed from the back of the line! What a bunch of Rubes bring up the rear. We would be looking at the menu, maybe even ready to place our order by the time they even saw the inside of the place. Lucky us!

I left. The moment the hostess said an hour, I was planning my escape. I walked back to the LG and the EIL's and told them it'd be an hour. I was leaving, they were free to join me. There's got to be another bar around here somewhere. It wasn't until I reached the street did I realize they hadn't followed. I'd just assumed they would. Typically when I walk away from something I'm followed. Often it's by security or management but either way I'm followed. I really needed them to follow me on my walk out as I am not at all familiar with San Francisco and had no real idea where that other bars I'd envisioned would be. As it happened there was another world famous bar right across the street - The Top of The Mark! The penthouse bar at the Mark Hopkins hotel. No line and no waiting, except for the rickety elevator ride to the top. My phone was blowin'up (as the kids call it) with angry text messages from the LG. Angry is a bit too strong, let's call them testy or miffed. Messages to the ilk of "you're a child" and "I can't believe you." I tried to explain to her there are certain rules you set in life and live with forever. Never mix dairy with large amounts of hot peppers. Don't accept a ride from a French Canadian. Don't wait in line for a kick in the nuts.

They waited. And waited and waited. I had two tasty bourbon cocktails, a long look at the San Francisco skyline and a rather dull conversation with some folks from Oregon before they even got seated. All the while I'm sending taunting text messages about how great the view and booze is up here, there's plenty of seats and I'd love for some company. They held strong and waited. I've got to hand it to the EIL's and the LG, the last text told me they were saving me a seat. I paid up (around 14 per drink!) and hustled back over. Sure enough there was the Lovely Girlfriend with a Lava Bowl for two sitting in front of her and an empty straw - if that ain't true love I don't know what is. The line avoided, the scene forgotten. In a large part due to the vast amounts of rum in the punch bowl sized drink in front of her and in a much much smaller part due to the recognition that I am a man with principles no matter how ludicrous. I will not ever wait in line for a kick to the groin. One to the pants with no waiting? Well, that's a different story.

No Longer Moving. Therefore Not a Moving Violation.

My Father recently received a ticket from the LAPD in the mail. Obviously, he's not driving that much these days and the ticket was intended for me. It was one of those BS red light camera tickets which by all accounts in the news is no longer something that Los Angeles is enforcing due to some kind of contractual issue with the technology company that supports the system or something of that nature. Either way, never wanting to miss a chance to give the needle to any form of authority I wrote a response to the ticket. Below is my letter to the City of Los Angeles. I think the old man would be proud.

To whom it may concern,

I am writing on behalf of my late father Julio V DeSanctis III and in regards to the traffic violation that we recently received in the mail for him. Sadly, my father passed away on September 9^th, 2011. I have enclosed a photocopy of his death certificate. As you can see by the date of the alleged violation, this could clearly not be my late father driving the vehicle in question as we've tried very hard to make sure he doesn't use the car since his untimely demise. Additionally, the handsome man so perfectly captured in the photo is obviously not old enough to be born in 1943, the year of my late fathers birth. Tops he's mid-thirties but looks like he could pass for a man much younger. Damn, the camera really loves this guy! As handsome as my late father was, he could not have passed for a man thirty years (plus or minus, I'm just assuming) his junior. Especially seven months after his passing. He really started to let himself go at that point..

Additionally, it appears by the multiple shots of the incident in question, that the violation is not a violation at all. Upon further inspection, this appears to be a smart-looking someone making a right on red. A perfectly legal move in all states but New York last I checked. As far as I can tell there is not a single “No Right on Red” sign posted that would cause such a maneuver to result in said traffic violation. If you look real close in the second photo you can even detect the stunning man behind the wheel putting the breaks on. You can't see the rugged good looks of the man in question of course as the second photo is of the back of the truck but you can see the break lights illuminated and you can imagine just how powerful and successful he would appear while applying them.

In closing, this is, without a doubt, not my late father. Please take care of the ticket on his behalf. If you would like to make a donation in his name to Cancer Care of Maine or the United Methodist Church, New England Conference that would be greatly appreciated as well.

Best,

Name and Address withheld.

Wino Suggestions

Three weeks into my big time advertising job and I'm already wasting company time on personal matters. Hell, who am I kidding, I've been wasting their time on all kinds of stuff since I started but this is the first one that can actually be pinned down as work time spent on personal work. Unless of course I can figure out a way to get rid of the websites time stamp, which I almost certainly cannot since I still have trouble simply logging in on a regular basis.

Anyway, while the clock is ticking, I'll make this short and sweet. The Lovely Girlfriend and I are just four days removed from a wine tasting tour of Paso and a trip to the in-laws. I still haven't had the time to post about our last wine tasting trip in Sideways country so I'll have to group them all together when we get back. Either way, the reason for this post is I'm looking for suggestions. Where to go in Paso Robles? Keeping in mind that so far we've hit Rabbit Ridge, Vines on the Marycrest, Chronic Cellars, Mondo, Silver Horse, EOS, Booker, Caliza, DarkStar, Brian Benson, Midnight, Wild Horse and Costa de Oro and Le Cuvier.

So where else do we go? Anyone? A little help here?

Besides looking for recommendations this is also to test the comments page and if any one is actually reading this blog.

Get Out of Dodge

Or even better, don't bother to go. You'd be saving yourself a lot of trouble if you just stuck to Interstate 35 or 70 or 40 or whatever other route you may be traveling. I'll admit it's kind of interesting to travel across the back roads you need to get on to get there but there has never been a better example of the phrase it's the journey not the destination. Because the destination is fuckin shit. Dodge City, as imagined from days of yore, was bulldozed under about thirty years ago. That does not keep the Dodge City Chamber of Commerce from advertising that a visit to Dodge City is a visit to the Old West. Old being a relative term of course. The current Dodge City is about as old as I am.

What they built isnt even a reasonable facsimile of the Old West. It's a bunch of 70's style brick arcitecture with cheap looking wood planked walkways in front. Oh, and posters. Lots and lots of posters of what Dodge City looked like just thirty plus years before when it was an actual time-capsule of a Legendary Old West Town. They even do the posters in black and white to give you that old timey feel. Unless, for some reason color film was not yet available for purchase in this podunk outpost. Maybe color film needed to be ordered from the one Sears and Roebuck catalogue that the dry goods store had on hand but because that was the first building razed and before anyone from the town hall had decided to capture this historically bad business decision they settled on black & white. Either way it was a real stroke of genius. Those photos clearly convey just how much cooler it would have been to be there then. Instead of now, which sucks. I probably could have found them online and not had to face the crushing realization that SugarDust and I had just driven about 130 miles out of our way so we could feast our eyes on a crappy sandwich shop, a dentists office and a Wallgreens.

As we climbed back into the truck, understanding we had just blown about three hours of our already long day of travel, SugarDust finally got to utter the famous slogan he'd been waiting so long to say - Time to get out of Dodge. Only SugarDust expanded on this famous slogan, what came out of his mouth was - Let's get the fuck out of Dodge and try to forget that we ever wasted a single fucking second here. While profane it was certainly appropriate.

We could not drive fast enough in our departure.

Mad Man

I have recently come into the employ of an advertising agency. I have no experience in this field but being a huge fan of the show Mad Men I figured I'd know exactly how to handle my first day at work. I started by sexual harassing the secretary. That's what she called it anyway. I would call it banter between a red-blooded male and a dollfaced dame. After filling out some kind of "first and final warning" paperwork I went to pour myself a double bourbon. Would you believe they have a no drinking at work policy in this office! How am I supposed to sell cereal to housewives if I can't pickle myself during a brainstorming session? Fine, I figured, I'll smoke instead. Nobody ever got tipsy on the soothing tar of Chesterfields. Last I checked, nicotine stimulates the T-Zone, just what I need for a creative breakthrough. When I lit up... you would have thought I'd shot bambi. I'm aware of the no smoking ban throughout most of America but I never thought it extended into the world of advertising. How am I to go all Don Draper on a slogan without a cigarette? The next thing you know they'll be asking me to treat women and minorities as equals! I'm fine with that in the outside world but this is Advertising! I did not go out and buy a skinny tie and a bucket of brillcream so I could treat everyone equally! What kind of bullshit is that!?

I tried to explain to everyone that I needed to behave this way in an effort to stimulate my creative juices. They didn't believe me. Instead they insisted that I was only using it as an excuse to behave like a world class mysoginist. They may have been on to something. We eventually worked it all out. After some intense negotiation we settled on me getting paid like it was 1961.

A Banjo Museum. No, really, there is one.

If at any point during my life - prior to January 26th, 2012 - someone had told me I would not only attend but enjoy and even willingly pay the admission fee two of my reluctant pals, to The American Banjo Museum I would have kicked them in the shins. Not because I hate banjos but because anyone that knows me knows that I never ever treat. Amazingly, it was true. I paid because SugarDust and Downtown were not yet convinced - even after seeing the lobby filled with Rotating Golden Banjos and being told that there was over Nineteen Million Dollars worth of banjos in the collection - that this would be the greatest ever visit to a museum focusing solely on banjos. I pried my wallet open and plopped down the eighteen dollars. And then the magic began.

Speaking of magic, there is a sad connection to people that have dedicated their lives to the banjo and those that have dedicated their lives to magic. The main connection is, by the looks of it, they all spent a lot of time as virgins (David Copperfield's rape island aside). The second connections is a deep seated love of sequined vests. The combination of the two creates a kind of chicken or the egg scenario. What came first the late adult virginity or the sequined vest? I'm betting on the vest but you never can tell. Their virginity could be because of their hideous faces and the sequined vests are an attempt at a distraction. No, that couldn't be it. Nothing could distract you from those horse toothed faces not even a disco ball swinging from their necks.

This could be a good explanation for why every banjo was slightly more gaudy than the other until finally culminating in a banjo made of solid gold and strung with unicorn hair. Okay, all kidding aside, these banjos were fuckin spectacular. Hand crafted, covered in semi-precious and probably mostly just glass jewelry, often depicting what would now probably be considered borderline racist images of Native Americans. Many of these white-people-only musical instruments were valued over twenty thousand dollars. How they determine these values and if anyone had ever actually paid or offered to pay that much for one of them was not documented. But, again, without any sarcasm, this was a pretty impressive collection of handmade Americana. So much so that at times the wise ass side of me was absolutely without sarcastic remarks. I was genuinely blown away by the intricate work that must have gone in to creating these chintzy instruments.

I should mention here that I love (LUUUVVVV) old time country western music and bluegrass. Love it. Listen to it all the time. Greatly enjoy the banjo that so often accompanies the steel guitar, mandolin and fiddle. However, banjo solos, dueling banjos, extended banjo riffs, this is the reason so many banjo players have died at their own hands mid-concert. The madness that comes with extended exposure to said music.

Okay, that probably isn't true. If banjo players were off-ing themselves in front of concert goers we'd likely would have heard about it.

Seriously, if you are ever in Oklahoma City and have an hour or so to kill you should check this place out. If for no other reason than to find out that, incredibly, Shakey's Pizza used to be a wildly popular chain that featured live banjo music. They made no mention on if their pizza was any better than the cardboard and ketchup they serve now. Also to see just what nineteen million dollars worth of banjos look like. Or, you could just copy and paste the photo below. It would make you a liar but at least you'd still have your six bucks. Speaking of which, SugarDust and Downtown never paid me back. Cheap Bastards.