Ashes to Ashes

We wanted to scatter my Dad's ashes yesterday.  I say we wanted to because we didn't wind up doing it. We talked about it, drove to one of the locations that we had planned on using even, but we didn't do it.  It turns out a lot more goes into scattering ashes then you would think.  I know what you're thinking, "was this some kind of a legal permit thing?"  No.  We've decided to ignore any and all state or federal EPA requirements for spreading one's ashes.  Since he spent his entire life ignoring or flaunting the rules we believe Dad would have wanted us to do the same. 

This was more a matter of logistics.  As it turns out the ashes aren't just rattling around in the urn.  They are wrapped in a plastic bag and tied off with a zip-tie so thick I'd bet it was police issue.  A cheap pair or kitchen scissors had no effect on them.  A steak knife seemed more likely to tear through the plastic bag.  Can ashes go bad if left unsealed, we didn't know.  Without ever voicing the concern I think all of us ran a scenario through our heads where our Dad's/Husband's cremated remains start stinking up the house and we are forced to dispose of him in a manner unsuited for such a tremendous human being.  If I was just too subtle then - I'm talking about Tuesday's trash pick-up. 

On top of that there was the issue of scooping.  My Sister was adamantly opposed to using a measuring spoon that she cooks with.  I get it.  The idea of having to run it through the dishwasher to remove any traces of our Beloved Father from it's surface before using it to bake a cake strikes me as odd at the very least.  We found a tiny plastic disposable spoon, probably left over from an order of Chinese take-out.  My Dad was a big fan of Chinese food so I guess this seemed at least a little bit appropriate. 

There was the matter of transportation.  A sealable sandwich baggie was our first choice but upon review it struck us as very low rent.  The urn he's in is a beautiful white marble - possibly the nicest place he's ever stayed.  My Mom suggested a tin of some sort but the only ones she could find were Christmas themed tins.  I'm not one-hundred percent sure what my Dad's favorite holiday was but I didn't think a Frosty the Snowman lid fit the occasion even if it had been Christmas.

So the mission was scrapped until we are better prepared.  We'll need a good pair of wire cutters - my Father had no tools in the house as it appears he did not believe in engaging in Manual Labor after passing his Bar Exam forty years ago.  Seriously, no one in my family can remember him even mowing our lawn.  A set of zip ties to re-tie the bag.  And something more appropriate to transport the ashes.

This seems about right