Whenever I get my weekly check-ups at Cancer Care I am always asked what drugs I am currently on. My response is always one of two wise ass remarks. 1) Are we talkin street drugs? 2) What you holdin? It makes me laugh every time. The nurse or doctor always smiles politely then scribbles something down in their chart. I know, I'm a child but it never stops amusing me. Truth is I could be on just about any drug I wanted to be on while undergoing treatment. They ask about my pain level. How I'm sleeping? Do I have anxiety? Nausea? Vomiting? I could game the system if I wanted to. Claim I can't take it, need help. I have already been prescribed some powerful pain killers after my couple of surgeries and in an effort to stem the pain in my throat. Each time I've taken one. Slept the better part of the day. Realized I was a near zombie for almost the entire next day even after the drugs wore off. Then sold the remaining pills at a high school nearby.* Those kid's will take anything with a Harmful When Mixed with Alcohol warning label on it.
As it turns out I don't like drugs. Not even a little bit. That is, of course, if we are assuming alcohol and caffeine are not drugs. Drug drugs, the kind we criminalize and then constantly advertise on tv as the cure all for whatever ails you, have no appeal to me. They don't make me feel better they just make me feel nothing. Not like the feelings of added confidence, irresistible charm and undeniable sexual magnetism that comes with alcohol. No, prescription drugs are not my bag. I know I haven't tried them all. Hardly scratched the surface really. I could change the course of this blog, become a human guinea pig, test as many as possible all the while reporting back to you with reviews and recommendations. I've done it with wine, travel and automotive reviews. Why not drugs? Who knows how long it would take the doctors and pharmacist to recognize the drug seeking behavior? This blog could become The Place To Go when you want to find out if hydrocodone goes best with Thai food or Korean BBQ. I think the fairly regular postings would suffer. As well as the coherency. I tried to write a blog post on the same day I had surgery a few months back, it looked like a toddler had taken over the keyboard. Lots of jklfdksl;lksd;g and skgl;ajskgl;eawja with a few90e59gjkegjfkkkkrfffffffffffffff thrown in. I think I'd passed out on the keyboard at one point. As much as I'd like to try to become the Roger Ebert of prescription drug reviews (without the thyroid cancer, of course) I doubt I could handle it. I'm just not a drug guy.
I'm okay with a having the incredibly painful sore throat and liquid diet for the next four weeks if I can continue to operate heavy machinery during that time. Also, last I checked booze almost always comes in liquid form. I may not be able to eat the rum cake but I can drink at least one of it's ingredients. Coincidentally, alcohol can cure all the same things those piles of little pills can cure plus you can consume more than one or two openly at a party and not come across as the resident dangerous guy. Trouble sleeping? There's a reason they call it a nightcap. Anxiety? Ever hear someone say they need to take the edge off? Pain? Alcohol is the original painkiller. Watch a western. Every hero gulps down some booze while having a bullet removed. Usually from his shoulder. I don't know why it's always in the shoulder but it is. Some one must have decided decades ago having a bullet removed from your shoulder is a lot more heroic than having one removed from your upper thigh or even worse - buttocks. Hero's don't get shot in the ass. That's strictly a sidekick wound. I always make important life choices based on what Rooster Cogburn, Josey Wales or Jeremiah Johnson would do. If they didn't take Xanax neither will I.
*For any law enforcement reading this, it's only a joke. I disposed of any and all unused drugs by following the recommend federal guidelines. Also, thanks for supporting the blog. Please click on an ad.
As it turns out I don't like drugs. Not even a little bit. That is, of course, if we are assuming alcohol and caffeine are not drugs. Drug drugs, the kind we criminalize and then constantly advertise on tv as the cure all for whatever ails you, have no appeal to me. They don't make me feel better they just make me feel nothing. Not like the feelings of added confidence, irresistible charm and undeniable sexual magnetism that comes with alcohol. No, prescription drugs are not my bag. I know I haven't tried them all. Hardly scratched the surface really. I could change the course of this blog, become a human guinea pig, test as many as possible all the while reporting back to you with reviews and recommendations. I've done it with wine, travel and automotive reviews. Why not drugs? Who knows how long it would take the doctors and pharmacist to recognize the drug seeking behavior? This blog could become The Place To Go when you want to find out if hydrocodone goes best with Thai food or Korean BBQ. I think the fairly regular postings would suffer. As well as the coherency. I tried to write a blog post on the same day I had surgery a few months back, it looked like a toddler had taken over the keyboard. Lots of jklfdksl;lksd;g and skgl;ajskgl;eawja with a few90e59gjkegjfkkkkrfffffffffffffff thrown in. I think I'd passed out on the keyboard at one point. As much as I'd like to try to become the Roger Ebert of prescription drug reviews (without the thyroid cancer, of course) I doubt I could handle it. I'm just not a drug guy.
I'm okay with a having the incredibly painful sore throat and liquid diet for the next four weeks if I can continue to operate heavy machinery during that time. Also, last I checked booze almost always comes in liquid form. I may not be able to eat the rum cake but I can drink at least one of it's ingredients. Coincidentally, alcohol can cure all the same things those piles of little pills can cure plus you can consume more than one or two openly at a party and not come across as the resident dangerous guy. Trouble sleeping? There's a reason they call it a nightcap. Anxiety? Ever hear someone say they need to take the edge off? Pain? Alcohol is the original painkiller. Watch a western. Every hero gulps down some booze while having a bullet removed. Usually from his shoulder. I don't know why it's always in the shoulder but it is. Some one must have decided decades ago having a bullet removed from your shoulder is a lot more heroic than having one removed from your upper thigh or even worse - buttocks. Hero's don't get shot in the ass. That's strictly a sidekick wound. I always make important life choices based on what Rooster Cogburn, Josey Wales or Jeremiah Johnson would do. If they didn't take Xanax neither will I.
*For any law enforcement reading this, it's only a joke. I disposed of any and all unused drugs by following the recommend federal guidelines. Also, thanks for supporting the blog. Please click on an ad.
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