It occurred to me on New Years Eve that I should write about a New Years tradition that The Ladies Man, Trotsky Goldblum and I have had for about a decade now. I forgot to actually write this post until today but you should still feel flattered that on New Years Eve I was thinking of you readers and how I could be entertaining you. The best parts of this tradition is it costs nothing to implement. It truly encapsulates the spirit of new beginnings. It helps keep New Years Day alive well into the oncoming months. And best of all, it will annoy the living shit out of a lot of people. I can't explain to you exactly why they will be annoyed, perhaps they hate New Years? Perhaps they hate happiness? All I can promise you is that some people will be thoroughly annoyed. Okay, enough with the preamble, time to unleash this thing on the general public and watch it catch on like a bad case of impetigo through a poorly hygienic wrestling team.
We call it "A Historic Day of Firsts." Once the clock strikes midnight it's time to cherish every new moment of the New Year. The first toast of the New Year. First kiss of the New Year (we don't kiss each other, that would take the friendship to a whole different, creepy level). First drink of the New Year. First refill of the New Year. First third round of the New Year and so on and so on. When you wake up New Years Day you should be celebrating the first hangover of the New Year, first coffee, first corn beef hash with eggs over easy, first hair of the dog... hopefully by now you get the picture. Each "first" should sound a little like this - "First _______ of the New Year. Truly a historic day of firsts." Then you squint your eyes, look off into the distance and nod your head solemnly to acknowledge the significance of the moment. If drinking you should also raise a glass in recognition of such a historical occasion. Obviously, in the opening days of the New Year there are plenty of firsts and therefore plenty of Truly Historic Days of Firsts. The trick is to identify those otherwise trivial moments that make up your everyday life as the days, weeks, months go by. First garbage day of the New Year. First bills paid of the New Year. First oil change of the New Year. Truly Historic Days.
Trust me when I tell you this Never Gets Old. It is always funny. There is something about taking an already dumb joke and beating it to absolute death. Pummeling it down to a fine pulp that you can throw into a blender, mix with berries and yogurt and drink it down in smoothie form. Or, if unlike me, you are still able to eat solid foods, pound it down to paper thin slices of meat, season with italian spices and roll into a delicious braciola. Either way, you will find it gets funnier and funnier each time it is mentioned. It's far funnier in July than it is in January.
Surprisingly, not everyone feels this way. Once you start celebrating all these trite little moments for the historically significant occasions that they are you'll be stunned by those around you that not only find it foolish but also a complete and total waste of time. When this happens you should point out to those people that you are a lover of history and until we learn from it we are bound to repeat it. They will try to tell you that celebrating switching from one brand of canned beer to another is not historically significant. Don't listen to them. David McCullough would write copiously about John Adams or Harry S Truman switching beer brands if he found any evidence of it (records are spotty but most historians believe both Adams and Truman were High Life Men). You're drinking habits are easily as important as those two old dead guys. Keep celebrating the value of the banal. History will remember you for it.
My only regret is I didn't share this with you earlier in the year. Think of how many mundane moments have gone by without proper acknowledgement. Now, I hope, they can begin to get their due. Truly, truly a Historic Day of Firsts. (Squinting, nodding, looking off into distance)
BCS National Championship Game
LSU +2.5 over Alabama
We call it "A Historic Day of Firsts." Once the clock strikes midnight it's time to cherish every new moment of the New Year. The first toast of the New Year. First kiss of the New Year (we don't kiss each other, that would take the friendship to a whole different, creepy level). First drink of the New Year. First refill of the New Year. First third round of the New Year and so on and so on. When you wake up New Years Day you should be celebrating the first hangover of the New Year, first coffee, first corn beef hash with eggs over easy, first hair of the dog... hopefully by now you get the picture. Each "first" should sound a little like this - "First _______ of the New Year. Truly a historic day of firsts." Then you squint your eyes, look off into the distance and nod your head solemnly to acknowledge the significance of the moment. If drinking you should also raise a glass in recognition of such a historical occasion. Obviously, in the opening days of the New Year there are plenty of firsts and therefore plenty of Truly Historic Days of Firsts. The trick is to identify those otherwise trivial moments that make up your everyday life as the days, weeks, months go by. First garbage day of the New Year. First bills paid of the New Year. First oil change of the New Year. Truly Historic Days.
Trust me when I tell you this Never Gets Old. It is always funny. There is something about taking an already dumb joke and beating it to absolute death. Pummeling it down to a fine pulp that you can throw into a blender, mix with berries and yogurt and drink it down in smoothie form. Or, if unlike me, you are still able to eat solid foods, pound it down to paper thin slices of meat, season with italian spices and roll into a delicious braciola. Either way, you will find it gets funnier and funnier each time it is mentioned. It's far funnier in July than it is in January.
Surprisingly, not everyone feels this way. Once you start celebrating all these trite little moments for the historically significant occasions that they are you'll be stunned by those around you that not only find it foolish but also a complete and total waste of time. When this happens you should point out to those people that you are a lover of history and until we learn from it we are bound to repeat it. They will try to tell you that celebrating switching from one brand of canned beer to another is not historically significant. Don't listen to them. David McCullough would write copiously about John Adams or Harry S Truman switching beer brands if he found any evidence of it (records are spotty but most historians believe both Adams and Truman were High Life Men). You're drinking habits are easily as important as those two old dead guys. Keep celebrating the value of the banal. History will remember you for it.
My only regret is I didn't share this with you earlier in the year. Think of how many mundane moments have gone by without proper acknowledgement. Now, I hope, they can begin to get their due. Truly, truly a Historic Day of Firsts. (Squinting, nodding, looking off into distance)
BCS National Championship Game
LSU +2.5 over Alabama
First use of the word banal in the New Year . . . Truly a Historic Day of Firsts . . .
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