Tomorrow is my last dose of chemo. I get my blood drawn at 9am. I meet with Hans Gruber at 10am. I sit down for my infusion by 11am. It will take about two and a half hours. I will take some steroids (the reason I'm getting so fat I discovered) beforehand to help ease the immediate symptoms. This will be the last time I have to go through this nausea inducing, hair thinning, process. Every two weeks for four months is finally over and done with. I'm very lucky. My Dad was on chemo for over a year. Twice. I've read accounts of people being on and off chemo for years on end. Honestly, I don't know how they do it. They are a braver group than I.
The first month of chemo was a breeze. Sure, I had some mild symptoms but nothing that I couldn't live with. The last three months have been a lot less breezy. I've always considered myself a genuine tough guy but I'd cry like a little baby if they told me tomorrow I had to put up with another day of chemo treatments. I suppose it's better than the alternative (being dead) but it's not any kind of life either. Having gone through a mere one hundred and twenty days of it I am awed by those that have to endure even a minute longer.
As I've come to discover it's not just the week to ten days of feeling absolutely awful after each infusion that makes chemo a complete and total pain in the balls. It's the anticipation of it. It's a kind of mental torture. Knowing that even though you feel fine today in only four, three, two and then one day you will have to go through it all again. It's becoming hard to tell if I actually have a bad taste in my mouth or if I'm remembering that taste. Is that the same wet rusty metal smell that has haunted me for the last four months or am I imagining it? Am I physically tired or just mentally exhausted? Why aren't I wearing any pants?
The last question is easy to answer - it's no pants Tuesday. The rest of the questions I cannot figure out. I am hoping that the three weeks spent in Los Angeles will help eliminate the tastes, the smells and the bone deep fatigue. I am hoping that at some point the memory of this awful feeling will fade. At some point I'll be able to take a breath through my nose without worrying about a sickening smell. At some point I'll won't wretch for no apparent reason. Hopefully, when I feel this way in the future it's because I've just tied one on like you read about in celebration of the fact that I beat cancer!
The first month of chemo was a breeze. Sure, I had some mild symptoms but nothing that I couldn't live with. The last three months have been a lot less breezy. I've always considered myself a genuine tough guy but I'd cry like a little baby if they told me tomorrow I had to put up with another day of chemo treatments. I suppose it's better than the alternative (being dead) but it's not any kind of life either. Having gone through a mere one hundred and twenty days of it I am awed by those that have to endure even a minute longer.
As I've come to discover it's not just the week to ten days of feeling absolutely awful after each infusion that makes chemo a complete and total pain in the balls. It's the anticipation of it. It's a kind of mental torture. Knowing that even though you feel fine today in only four, three, two and then one day you will have to go through it all again. It's becoming hard to tell if I actually have a bad taste in my mouth or if I'm remembering that taste. Is that the same wet rusty metal smell that has haunted me for the last four months or am I imagining it? Am I physically tired or just mentally exhausted? Why aren't I wearing any pants?
The last question is easy to answer - it's no pants Tuesday. The rest of the questions I cannot figure out. I am hoping that the three weeks spent in Los Angeles will help eliminate the tastes, the smells and the bone deep fatigue. I am hoping that at some point the memory of this awful feeling will fade. At some point I'll be able to take a breath through my nose without worrying about a sickening smell. At some point I'll won't wretch for no apparent reason. Hopefully, when I feel this way in the future it's because I've just tied one on like you read about in celebration of the fact that I beat cancer!
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