Calling Warren Zevon

After polishing off a perfectly rare 24oz ribeye steak last night at The Palm (thank you, Lovely Girlfriend's expense account!) I excused myself from the table. I took a moment to take in the famous caricatures covering the walls, many from when they opened in 1926, checked out the private upstairs dinning room and used the men's room.

When I returned, My Lovely Girlfriend and our Feisty Chicago Insurance Adjuster (in town on business and able to join us for dinner) were sending the waiter away. He was taking the dessert menu with him. I assumed they had chosen something for the table to split. Instead I was informed that they didn't want dessert!

They sited the calorie count. I just ate a pound and a half of steak! Does anyone really think a dietary argument will work on me at this point? 3000 calories for the carrot cake. Okay, I hadn't planned on sharing but I'm now willing to if it means we still get dessert. They would not budge.

As I launched into a diatribe of how un-American it would be to leave this Cathedral to Juicy Red Meat (I've always considered myself a bit of a Cathedral to Juicy Red Meat) without the perfect finishing move to make our large intestines tap-out an army of waiters surrounded me. Happy Birthday to You filled the air. A hefty slice of NY Cheesecake plopped down in front of me with a candle in it.

It was not my birthday. Not for another four months. The problem, as my Lovely Girlfriend pointed out, is there is no appropriate song for Hodgkin's Lymphoma. There isn't even an appropriate song for a benign tumor.

This is were the late, great, Warren Zevon comes in. Cancer needs a Composer. Warren's 'Keep Me in Your Heart for a While' is one of the most heartfelt good-bye songs of all time. Until it was hi-jacked by that annoying boob Seth Rogen in one of the most incorrectly titled movies of all time - Funny People. After two plus hours I would have settled for just One Funny Person but it never happened.

As much as I love that song, it is a swan song. I'm looking for a Cancer Anthem that squarely puts a boot up cancer's ass. This would be a job for Toby Keith if cancer posed a threat to his First Amendment right to pen awful songs. I've been noodling a couple of tunes in my head but I'm no songwriter. Here's my best effort. *Sung to the tune of You Say It's Your Birthday.

You say you've got Cancer
I've got Cancer to ya
We're gonna have a good time.

Weak, I know. Like I said, Cancer needs a Composer.