In the interest of full disclosure I want to state that I am a life long Steelers fan. I can assure you that this will in no way influence my AFC preview. I merely wanted you to be aware in advance but I promise that it will not be reflected in my predictions. You have my word.
Additionally, in the continuing effort to please my female readers (are you feeling pleasured?) I will pepper this posting with mildly sexist (overtly sexist) images and links for your viewing. And if you could grab me a beer while I talk to the guys that'd be great, honey.
AFC EAST
NEW ENGLAND - 6-10 - Bill Belichik's a genius, Tom Brady's the greatest quarterback since Jesus refused to handle pig skin on the Sabbath, blah, blah, Fuckin blah. I am sick to death of the constant hj's handed out to this team. This year I predict Brady admits he's actually a eunuch and Belichick is caught trolling for Tranny hookers.
NEW YORK - 5-11 - Mark Sanchez is easily the dumbest starting quarterback in the NFL. Would you even trust him to figure out a proper tip without offering to lend a hand on the math.
BUFFALO - 4-12 - I feel so bad for the people of Buffalo. Not because of the Bills fortunes but because I've been to Buffalo.
MIAMI - 2-14 - Hey Dolphin fans, remember all those years when Miami was one of the best teams in football and a perennial Super Bowl contender? Hang on to those memories.
Hey Girls, for those pesky chores,
AFC SOUTH
INDIANAPOLIS - 5-11 - All I can picture is Payton Manning trying to take snaps while wearing one of those neck brace halos. This image makes me smile.
JACKSONVILLE - 4-12 - It's tough for me to say anything bad about such a lame city, a team that has never been important and a fan base so apathetic. I look forward to the Los Angeles Jaguars in 2012.
HOUSTON - 3-13 - Fourth in population. First in dangerous neighborhoods. I used to love to hate the old Oilers. The new Texans don't matter to me. I still can't tell if they matter to Gary Kubiak.
TENNESSEE - 2-14 - Won't the Titans be pissed when they wind up in the middle of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes after wasting a first round pick on Jake Locker. The only thing that will make this better is when Chris Johnson blows out an ACL after signing his eventual cap killing contract.
Ladies, when running errands for your man,
AFC NORTH
PITTSBURGH - 16-0 - This team is loaded. Great coaching, amazing defense, the best quarterback (both as a player and as a person) in football, loaded at every position plus it's been reported that they have an extremely handsome fanbase.
CINCINNATI - 3-13 - As long as Mike Brown owns the Bengals they will always be my second favorite team in the league because they happily hand over two victories a year to The Burgh.
CLEVELAND - 2-14 - I went drinking in Cleveland once and I couldn't believe how ugly everyone that lived there was. U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi.
BALTIMORE - 0-16 - Besides the Packers this is the biggest bunch of cheaters in the league. It's fitting that a team of criminals and convicts resides in a town of thugs. Here's to Hurricane Irene touching down at M&T Bank Stadium over the weekend.
He works so hard all day so let's not forget dinner,
AFC WEST
SAN DIEGO - 5-11 - I love Norv Turner! I loved him when he crushed the Washington Redskins as a franchise. I loved him when he ruined a competitive Raiders team and I love him now for decimating a talented Chargers team. I vote Norv as next coach of the Patriots following Belichick's hooker arrest.
KANSAS CITY - 4-12 - As much as I loath the Patriots I do find it hysterical that they saddled the Chief with such a mediocre quarterback. How long before Ricky Stanzi is taking snaps, week 7, week 8?
OAKLAND - 3-13 - Al Davis is my favorite owner in all of sports. I know he's not the best owner. I didn't say that. He's just my favorite. Jerry Jones is second. Any time a guy that's probably battling dementia makes all the calls on coaches and players you know you're in for a good time.
DENVER - 1-15 - Tim Tebow not being an NFL caliber quarterback is the greatest story in sports. Isn't his game essentially the same as Charlie Ward's? Does Tebow run the point, is there a chance he could move onto the NBA? I was thrilled when the Bronco's took him in the first round last year. It cemented Josh McDaniels future career as a mid-level assistant.
He appreciates all you do and you deserve a break sometimes too,
Of course he got that for you and not him. Stop being so selfish.
PLAYOFFS
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP - ATLANTA v NEW ORLEANS
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - SAN DIEGO v PITTSBURGH
SUPER BOWL - PITTSBURGH v NEW ORLEANS
SEVEN TIME SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS - THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS
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